anger.

This past year & a half has probably been the hardest to work through. I have been sad, I have been put down, and let down, all of which have caused something more destructive; anger. Some may say that being angry is like "drinking poison and expecting someone else to die," which is true, but I do not know if many people have considered what happens when the anger you hold is not toward others, but rather towards yourself. Being angry at someone else is easy. All you have to do is focus the negative energy on someone else. When you are angry at yourself, all that energy is focused on you.

Out of all the negative emotions I have ever had, anger is by far the most destructive. 

Anger influences so much. Anger makes me want to be reckless and self destructive. Anger makes me want to prove every person that doubted me, wrong. Anger makes me want everyone to feel the pain I have felt. Anger makes me want to push everyone away. Anger gives me motivation to forget everyone but myself. Anger makes me feel all those things when its directed toward someone else, but when I am angry with myself, anger transforms me into someone I can not recognize, and it breaks me until all the happiness I had was gone.

Anger will keep you alive for a while, but then it will eat you alive.

No matter where anger is directed or who is angry, the hostility it causes can make or break a person, and for the past few months, my anger has been directed at one person. Me. Forgiving other people has always come so easily to me, but forgiving myself is a completely different story. I have been angry at myself for decisions I have made, for the people I have hurt. I have been angry at myself for letting people step on me and treat me like I am nothing. I am angry at myself for not being a friend that others can count on, and the list goes on. I get angry at myself for causing people to be angry with me. I get angry at myself for not letting things go like I say I am going to, and I get angry at myself for not standing strong & letting myself be truly happy.

Anger makes me tired, anger makes me exhausted. Anger makes me shut people out and seal off any emotion that might come from blocking them out. Anger makes me build walls that I am scared of people climbing over. I have spent so much time and energy trying to let go of sadness and pain. I have tried day in and day out to find my happy self again, but in all this effort, I never considered letting go of anger. I never realized how far down anger brings me, and how the hatred towards my decisions makes me unsure of everything I do. My only hope is that someday soon, I can let this anger go.

misguided ghosts.

"I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back. Don't try to follow me, cause I'll return as soon as possible. See, I'm trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe"

Paramore: "Misguided Ghosts"

For the longest time, I have been feeling so lost that I never thought I would find myself again. I was just going with the flow and I did not really care about anyone. I have selfishly thought that I was the only person that felt this lost. Friends that I thought would be there through it all proved me wrong. I lost my sense of where "home" is to me. I made some choices that I hated myself for, beat myself up for every single day. Coming home for the summer was supposed to bring me clarity, but all that I found was confusion. I ran away from this confusion by seeking out anything that would make me stop thinking about it. The coward in me did not want to deal with any of it, but just like with everything else I hit a wall. 

"We all learn to make mistakes and run from them with no direction. We'll run from them with no conviction. Cause I'm just one of those ghosts, traveling endlessly. Don't need no roads; in fact, they follow me and we just go in circles. And now I'm told that this is life, that pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it"

This wall was a realization that I am not the only person that has been lost. So many people who are right in front of me are just as lost, if not more lost than I am, but because of my selfishness I failed to see it. I used to find so much happiness in being the reason for brightening someone else's day. I have missed being the one people can always count on coming to if they need to laugh, if they need to talk, if they need to forget. I forgot that each and every one of us are just "misguided ghosts." 

"Would someone care to classify our broken hearts and twisted minds so I can find someone to rely on and run to them, full speed ahead. You are not useless, we are just misguided ghosts, traveling endlessly. The ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away and there's no one road. We should not be the same, but I'm just a ghost and still they echo me; they echo me in circles."

This weekend I finally came to terms with everything that has been happening in my life. Setbacks are still inevitable, but I found at least a small glimpse of the motivation and drive that I once had. I want to be the reason for people's laughter, the reason for people's smiles. I want to show people that no matter what mistakes we make, no matter what we do, it is possible to rebuild ourselves. The strength that has been lost can be found, even when it seems we are building from scratch. As for me, the happy girl that I lost can be found again, and I am building her up from the ground-up. No more hiding, no more running. 

we accept the love we think we deserve.

“Don’t ever wonder because you deserve the best. Once you reach the top, you’ll never question why you left.” 

– John Legend

Love comes in many different forms, and that love varies from person to person. Giving away love has always seemed easy to me, and I am sure there are others who would agree. Caring for other people has always come naturally to me. I never have a problem helping someone who asks for help. I love making people smile, making people feel good about themselves; however, I am not as sure of myself when it comes to accepting the care and love given to me in return.

I have always given people a large piece of my heart, and I have always wondered why when I give my whole heart, it never seems to work out. For the longest time I asked myself why giving someone your everything is not enough sometimes. I struggle with letting things go and moving on, and sometimes find myself in a repeating cycle of the highest high to the lowest low. Multiple times I have been asked by friends why I give my heart to people who treat me wrong, or who don't deserve me, and then push away the people who are really, actually there for me. I have asked myself why relationships work for everyone around me, but never for me. Up until now, I have never been able to answer those questions until I heard someone's answer loud and clear.

This quote hit me like a brick, but it also took some time to realize the truth in these words. No matter how I present myself, no matter what other people might think I deserve, ultimately what I deserve is up to me. If I do not think I deserve someone, I walk away. Consequently, if I do not think I deserve to be treated the way I am, the only thing that keeps me from walking away is myself. If I want to change the way I have been treated in the past, the only person I can change is myself.

"We’re sad when we think we have the right to be sad. We’re angry when we think we have the right to be angry. So why don’t we love, when we think we have the right to be loved?"

I never put very much thought into what exactly I do and do not deserve, but after thinking a lot about how we accept the love we think we deserve, I have realized that the love I deserve is more than what I have been willing to settle for in the past, and this applies to all kinds of love. I am sure that I am not the only one that feels this way, and this goes out to everyone that has ever felt the way I have. Anyone who has felt heartbroken from trying over and over again to get people to accept your love the way you accept theirs. No one, no matter what they have done, deserve to be in any kind of demeaning or degrading relationship. Admitting that you deserve better is okay. It is okay to walk away from someone that only brings you heartbreak. Do not settle just because you do not think you can do better or deserve better.

"We are imperfect beings, we are human. But our imperfections are neither reasons to stay, nor leave. We can always do better for others, and for ourselves. Allow those around you to love you, and love those who surround you. Do not settle for less, and do not cut yourself short because at the end of the day, the love we accept is the love we think we deserve."

collisions.

"People will walk in and out of your life all the time. Sometimes they come right when you need them to, and other times they leave right when you don't want them to. Either way, they'll leave marks that you keep with you wherever you go."

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how many people are constantly walking in and out of my life, and what a huge impact they can create. I like to consider the moments when people walk into my life as collisions. Predicting the time of these collisions is nearly impossible, and sometimes I do not even realize how big of an impact the collusion will make until the "dust" seems to settle. As I look back on my experiences with these moments of impact, I know I keep these experiences marked in my heart wherever I go. Some collisions have caused pain and heartache, but at one point or another, each and every one has created happiness that I can appreciate no matter how long or short the time was when that happiness lasted.

I have been lucky to have people in my life who are constantly there; however, moving away from town helped me put everything into perspective. Over the past few months, I have been very focused on coming home to be with these constants in my life. I focused so much on them and on building myself back up that I was not paying attention and collided right into some new people that I was not expecting. These new collisions have helped me see that no matter what I do, people will always come and go. Even if I do not feel like these collisions happen at the right time, I can see the impact, or the "ripple effects" that each and every person in my life makes.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go of these people who have made such an influence in my life, but in some situations, I know I have to because they have already walked away. I have always had such a hard time figuring out why people walk out of my life; some with no explanation. I used to ask a million questions about why they would go, or why they do not care anymore. It took some time for me to realize that when someone moves on, it does not always mean they do not care. Even if they did move on because of a lack of caring, it does not matter. Holding onto pain and questioning everything will never cause anything but discontent. No matter what the reason is for their departure, I have finally reached a point of acceptance for the effects of every collision I make. I can not predict the effects of any collisions, but they are here to shape me, break me, and understand this craziness we like to call "life." I guess what I am trying to say is, here I go again; letting go, moving on, and waiting for the next collision.

"The moment of impact proves potential for change, has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together, making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures, landing them where you never thought you'd find them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how it is going to affect you. You just have to let the colliding parts fall where they may and wait for the next collision."

demons.

My definition of "Demons":

An experience or feeling that brings pain and/or one feels ashamed or scared of.

These past few months have been some of the longest I have ever faced. Coming home and being around the people I love has helped me to recuperate, as well as put everything I have been going through into perspective. One day, my friends and I went for a short road trip, and I was introduced to a song called "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. Music has always been a big part of my life, and this song describes just a small piece of all the thoughts I have been having for a while. 

Experiencing life on my own has been harder than I would have ever imagined. Everything seemed like it was falling apart for a while. I lost the drive, the motivation, the happiness, and the love of life that I had. I lost myself, and when I looked around at everyone around me, it seemed as though everything was perfect for them. They seemed to be "made of gold." My prior thoughts and dreams of how my first year on my own was going to be were wrong. I felt like a failure. 

When the days are cold, and the cards all fold

And the saints we see, are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail, and the ones we hail

Are the worst of all, and the blood’s run stale

I want to hide the truth, I want to shelter you

But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come

Chorus:

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

I felt like I had no one to talk to. I felt like I needed to hide the truth of how hard everything really was. Hiding from the truth only lasted for a little while, and eventually my "demons" started to show a little more. People started to notice, but I was too stubborn to let them really see how much I was letting myself go.

I thought that if I let someone in and let them talk to me, let them help me, they would judge me. I made a mess of myself. However, I did something that I have not done in a long time. I let someone in before I came home. I let this person in and they ended up breaking my trust, breaking my heart; only adding to the "demons" I already had.

When the curtain’s call, is the last of all

When the lights fade out, all the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave, and the masquerade

Will come calling out, at the mess you made

Don’t want to let you down, but I am hell bound

Though this is all for you, don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come

(Chorus)

They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright, I want to save their light

I can't escape this now, unless you show me how

(Chorus)

When I came home this month, I held everything in again out of fear. Everyone is so used to seeing the laid-back, happy girl who truly believes that laughter is the best medicine for everything, that I was not sure they would know how to react to this darker side. I planned to keep everything hidden  until I hit a breaking point, and I finally allowed the people who have been there for me this whole time to be there like they were before I left. 

They showed me all the happiness I left behind without even knowing. I have had so much anger and sadness "woven in my soul" for too long, and I know the time to let it go is now. After disappointing myself and hiding my "demons," I am ready to save the light that I used to see in myself every day. I was strong once, and I know if I make it through this process of letting go like I have before, I can find the happy girl I was before. If I can find her again, maybe leaving my hometown for the second time this fall will not be nearly as hard as it was a year ago.

Imagine Dragons - "Demons" Music Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWRsgZuwf_8

rash judgments.

"People will question all the good things they hear about you, but believe all the bad without a second thought."

For a long time, I have been thinking about how many harsh words are said to each other every day, and while I have been having these thoughts I have noticed that one element is prominent in many of the harsh words we say, and that one element is judgement. So, what exactly is judgement? Judgement is defined as: the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind. While this judgement can be used for good to keep ourselves from harmful situations and to make sound decisions, the judgement of other people is not used for good and has started to get out of hand. 

Why are we so quick to judge others and say hurtful things even when we do not know the full story? Why are we so quick to believe the bad things about people without a second thought, but refuse to believe when something good is said? The fact that I (and I am sure many others) have reached a point where the negatives are so prominently focused on is very upsetting. Everywhere I go, something negative is said about other people. I can not say that I am innocent of doing this, but as I have been figuring things out on my own, I have realized that all this negativity needs to be stopped. Not only have I been judged myself, but I have also said things that I should not have.

Everyone hates the feeling of being judged. We all become frustrated and hurt when rash judgments are directed toward us, so why do we still do to other people ourselves? Saying derogatory comments towards other does not make me feel better about myself, and I can not imagine that it makes anyone else feel better about themselves either. I have always believed that there is no way to completely know someone. Although there may be people you know very well, there is still not a possible way to know their exact thinking processes and why they do the things they do. More often than not, first impressions and first judgments of people are proved wrong anyway.

Even if we do not agree with the things other people say or do, the least we can do is respect their thoughts and decisions. Instead of forming and opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion based on the outward appearances that we see, why can't we just understand that all people have a reason behind what they do? Maybe if we could understand that fact, rash judgments would not be passed as often as they are. Maybe one day we will start to believe the good things that are said toward/about each other and deny the bad, rather than second guessing anything positive. 

Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Not all illness can be seen. Not all pain is obvious. Remember that before passing judgement on another.

words, words, words.

From the time I was little, I have always been told that "if I don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," and the majority of people I know also know this phrase by heart. However, every day this general phrase is broken, even by the people who know how powerful words can be. People throw out new ideas and the idea is immediately shot down because of one flaw that someone did not like. Saying something out of the norm automatically makes you a "weirdo." Liking something that the majority does not will inevitably turn you into an "outcast." Standing up for rights that most of society does not agree with makes you "ignorant." The long-time childhood rule of "don't say anything at all" is broken every single day, and has reached the point where most of us do not even notice how much others are put down. As a result, finding someone who has been told about a different rule is less common.

"Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone." 

-Taylor Swift

Because of the fear of being put down by everyone else, we have forgotten how important letting our voices be heard is. Not many people have heard this rule, or if they have, the rule has simply been pushed aside. Maybe we have forgotten about the rule of making our voice be heard because we believe that "rules are meant to be broken," which is also why we put others' voices down so much. I have forgotten about this rule myself, and now is always a good time to change that.

No more holding back, no more biting my tongue, and no more fear of being put down or losing my pride. Being fearful of asking for help, apologizing, or expressing emotions is no longer an option. Any time is a perfect time to say "I'm sorry" or "I love you." Any time is a perfect time to stand up for someone that is being put down. Any time is a perfect time to let someone know you care. Most importantly, any time is a perfect time to build someone up with your words. Forget about the people who will put you down for saying something meaningful. Forget about being made fun of or becoming the "laughing stock," because one day we will not be able to say everything we needed to say, and that feeling alone will be more hurtful than any negative comment or action someone can throw at you.

"What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you'll stutter and walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest." 

-Taylor Swift

stepping forward.

This time last year, I knew exactly what I wanted. I had goals, ambitions, and a clear direction of where I was going. Over the last few months, remembering what that feeling felt like has been nearly impossible, not to mention I have not even been sure of what I want. Making a trip home always seems to help me clear my head and figure some things out. I am lucky to have friends that remind me of the potential I have, and the person that I am when I am with them.

Something that has been very unsettling to me is the fact that I do not even feel like myself in the town away from home. Because of this, I have finally found a reason to step forward and make a goal. For the first time in a while, I actually want something. I want to be able to be the happy, silly, sarcastic girl that is not afraid to be a friend and speak what is on my mind. I feel like I have not been able to be that way since the day I moved to St. George. I think I have been scared to because I know that nothing could possibly replace the friends and relationships I have back home, and it has just taken some time to realize that they are always going to be there whether I meet new people I can be myself with or not. So, here goes the first goal I have had in a long time: to be the strong, happy girl I was able to be before I left, and to move out of this rut I have dug myself into.

Live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to remember. Make decisions, make mistakes. & if you fall, at least you tried.

control.

Having control over our lives is something that everyone always seeks for. When we find it everything goes great, but when we lose it all hell breaks lose. As a person, we love to have self expression or self control. When we feel as though either one of these are lost, feeling trapped or lost are prominent feelings that take over. The feeling is almost as though we have lost our sense of direction, our sense of motivation. If there is no control in our lives, everything seems to put itself on hold. Lately, my life has felt out of control and out of my element.

Making the adjustment from knowing exactly where I would be a year from now, and knowing exactly what I will be working for, to not having a clue has been one of the hardest things ever. I felt that way last year when I was deciding where to attend college, and that feeling has seemed to sneak back in. I feel no control over my life, especially while being on the search for a job again. Most days I have no clue why I am even going to college right now, other than for the fact that I can not answer the question, "What would you be doing if you were not in college?" Most people at least have an idea of what kind of career they would like to have in the future, which gives at least a small sense of direction. Personally, I literally have no idea where my life is going or where to take it. Parents and friends will say, "You're young, you have your whole life to decide." However, I feel that is not a viable statement. The cost of college has gone up too high to change majors three times, and right now I feel as though I am sending mine and my parents' time and money down the tubes. Staying attentive in class is a bigger struggle than ever, and my classes are not even very challenging this semester.

No direction, no motivation, and no close friends down here to help keep me on my feet like they did back home. Already want to get out of this town and try something else, except it feels like there is not a way to move on and work through this rut when it seems like there is nothing to move on to. Crazy how not having a sense of control over my life can basically change my outlook on a lot of things. My level of caring has reached an all time low, and if I am ever stressed I can credit it to the lack of being in control. My motivation for wanting to make friends in this town and become involved with this school has dropped to a level I did not think was possible. Stress from school is non-existent, and stress from feeling so out of control replaces that. Maybe one day I will find that control again, but as of right now I do not even care enough to look for it. So, I am working through one day at a time. At the moment that seems to be all there is that is left to do, and hopefully I will be able to see the benefit in all of this (eventually).

searching for the best.

Everyone has heard the old phrase "you always want what you can't have." This phrase is very common; however, most of the time we do not give very much thought to it. Over the past few months, I have realized how true this statement is. Whether one wants a better job, a better car, a better place to live, and even better friendships and relationships; it has become clear to me that this phrase can be applied in almost any situation. I have always wondered why, as people, we always want what we can't have. Why is it that we never want what is right in front of us, but rather something more? Maybe the thought of settling is what freaks us out.

Picking something and sticking to it can be scary, especially if one realizes later that they could have had something better. It seems like we are constantly saying we have to take risks and jump into something else; however, maybe we have never really considered that sticking with something could be considered taking a risk. Because of that constant fight for the best, we sometimes throw away the very thing that was actually the best for us, and there is a huge difference from what I think is "best" and what even my closest friends think is "best." And I think this constant search for the best is a part of what causes us to always want what we can't have, which also causes a sense of unhappiness.

Recently, I have realized that I threw away some things that were the best for me. At the time, I did not realize this because of my search for the best. I have finally started to understand that those who are satisfied with what they have when they have it, are the happiest people alive. I hope that I can one day figure out how to stop constantly wishing for more, and appreciate what I have sitting right in front of me.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find you get what you need."

reflections.

This year has been one with tons of change. A year ago I really was not sure what 2012 would bring me, and there have been all sorts of adventures that I never expected. I never thought I would be the type of girl that writes blogs every month, but here I am; still going. Anyway, this year has brought so much joy, pain, happiness, and heartbreak; however, I would not take any of it back because of the strength it has helped me develop. Graduating from high-school and moving out have been the biggest highlights this year; which also brings me to the most important thing I have figured out over the course of 2012.

During high-school, I felt pretty unhappy a lot of the time and it took me a long while to figure out that the cause of my unhappiness was my inability to let things go. Even though moving out has been one of the hardest struggles I have had, I know it would have been harder had I not learned how to catch my breath and let it go.

So, overall this year the most important thing I have learned is to let things go. To let go of pain and heartbreak. To let go of the people in my life who only cause unhappiness. To let go of the past events that have caused me to fear certain things in the future. In letting go of the things that hurt, I have been able to find peace and the true meaning of home. I can not imagine how different things would have went this year if I had not learned about the sense of peace and home that is a result of letting go. Even though I am not very sure of what is going to happen in my life or where I am going to go in the year 2013, I do know for certain that I will always be able to find my way home by letting go of anything that counteracts that sense of peace.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hold on to the past is holding you back from a new life."