left me hanging.

"Don't leave me hanging" is a common phrase that is used by many people; usually as a joke. However, there are ways that this phrase can be literal. To me, leaving someone hanging means to drop them as a friend, just like that. This literal "hanging" happens to the best of us, and I will never understand how people can throw away friendships and relationships like they meant nothing at all. People who said they would always be there, disappear without a trace. Some quickly, others slowly, but no matter how fast they leave, it does not make it hurt any less.

I do not understand how we can talk to someone about everything, trust them with the biggest pieces of our hearts, and how easily this trust can be taken for granted; or how easily they just move on like it is nothing. I do not understand how easy it is for people to act as though they never needed you to be there in the first place. Knowing that they did not even feel as though you deserved some kind of explanation as to why they stopped talking to you is insulting. In my eyes, silence hurts more than words do, because to me, being silent is a good indicator that I did not even think someone was worth the time to waste words on.

However, this frustration goes both ways. I get so frustrated when I am "left hanging," but I know I have done it to people before too; and I wish I hadn't. Friendships, and any other kind of trusting relationships are so valuable. I am confused as to why we, as people, just take these relationships for granted. Whether someone is ten miles away, or a thousand miles away, there is not an excuse for leaving people hanging like that. How is it that we can forget the satisfying feeling of having someone there, a true friend, just like that?

So here is the thing, I am done letting people do that to me; and I am definitely going to try my hardest to not make someone feel the frustration that I have felt with being left hanging. Once someone is taken for granted, the damage has been done. They will be gone and nothing can be done about it except move on.

"Better realize what you have when you have it, or someone else will."

catching my breath.

Moving away from home has been so much harder than I thought it would be, and I have had a hard time keeping a positive attitude about it. Figuring out who is really there for me and who I am has been difficult. I feel like I have not truly been able to be myself down here. Because of my experience in leadership positions I thought it would be a piece of cake to make friends and find my niche here in St. George. However, I was very wrong.

Kelly Clarkson recently released a song called "Catch My Breath." I listened to it once and I have been hooked ever since. Thinking about the lyrics helped me realize a few things about the time I have spent here. When I first left, I was so scared. Scared that the distance between my family and life-long friends would tear us apart. I thought that moving away would make me happier because back home it started to feel like I had spent a lot of time pleasing other people. Making people happy is something that is truly important to me, but there was a time for a little while that I forgot about taking care of myself. I forgot that if I do not take care of myself, there is no way I could truly help someone else. I have been unhappy for a little while because although I have wanted someone to truly be there for me, I would "turn my cheek for the sake of the show." I was so afraid of someone seeing the vulnerable side.

Except I realized something. I have not taken the time in a while to catch my breath and let it go. Have not taken the time to release the hurt, release the pain, and do what is best for me. No more letting people's harsh words get to me. No more sticking around if I know whatever is holding me back will bring pain; and most importantly, no more being afraid of showing a vulnerable side.

I don't wanna be left behind

Distance was a friend of mine

Catching breath in a web of lies

I've spent most of my life

Riding waves, playing acrobat

Shadowboxing the other half

Learning how to react

I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know, this is my life

I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that

Catch my breath, won't let 'em get me down, it's all so simple now

I have started to forget to look for the beauty, for the good things that every person has to offer. I have been so focused on wanting to be home that I have not put a full effort into my new life. Home will always be in my mind, in my heart, but if I am going to make progress here, I have to catch my breath and find the love that home gives me. Find the genuine people that will always be there. When I finally found that love back home, I was the happiest girl alive. It has just taken me a long time to realize that happiness can be found again if I try hard enough.

Addicted to the love I found

Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud

Making time for the ones that count

I'll spend the rest of my time

Laughing hard with the windows down

Leaving footprints all over town

Keeping faith, karma comes around

I won't spend the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know, this is my life

I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that

Catch my breath, won't let 'em get me down, it's all so simple now

You helped me see

The beauty in everything

Catching my breath, letting it go

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know, this is my life

I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that

Catch my breath, won't let 'em get me down, it's all so simple now

It's all so simple now

I have realized that I need to take a step back, catch my breath, let go of the sadness, and dive into this new life with more effort than I had before. That does not mean I plan to just let go of everything that has built me up in my life to this point, just that there have been times in my life when I could see beauty in everything, and I want that feeling back. I feel like I lost the girl inside that everyone knew before, and I need that girl back. So, here I go; catching my breath, letting it go.

Kelly Clarkson - "Catch My Breath" Lyric Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS0zMzjAB9A