control.

Having control over our lives is something that everyone always seeks for. When we find it everything goes great, but when we lose it all hell breaks lose. As a person, we love to have self expression or self control. When we feel as though either one of these are lost, feeling trapped or lost are prominent feelings that take over. The feeling is almost as though we have lost our sense of direction, our sense of motivation. If there is no control in our lives, everything seems to put itself on hold. Lately, my life has felt out of control and out of my element.

Making the adjustment from knowing exactly where I would be a year from now, and knowing exactly what I will be working for, to not having a clue has been one of the hardest things ever. I felt that way last year when I was deciding where to attend college, and that feeling has seemed to sneak back in. I feel no control over my life, especially while being on the search for a job again. Most days I have no clue why I am even going to college right now, other than for the fact that I can not answer the question, "What would you be doing if you were not in college?" Most people at least have an idea of what kind of career they would like to have in the future, which gives at least a small sense of direction. Personally, I literally have no idea where my life is going or where to take it. Parents and friends will say, "You're young, you have your whole life to decide." However, I feel that is not a viable statement. The cost of college has gone up too high to change majors three times, and right now I feel as though I am sending mine and my parents' time and money down the tubes. Staying attentive in class is a bigger struggle than ever, and my classes are not even very challenging this semester.

No direction, no motivation, and no close friends down here to help keep me on my feet like they did back home. Already want to get out of this town and try something else, except it feels like there is not a way to move on and work through this rut when it seems like there is nothing to move on to. Crazy how not having a sense of control over my life can basically change my outlook on a lot of things. My level of caring has reached an all time low, and if I am ever stressed I can credit it to the lack of being in control. My motivation for wanting to make friends in this town and become involved with this school has dropped to a level I did not think was possible. Stress from school is non-existent, and stress from feeling so out of control replaces that. Maybe one day I will find that control again, but as of right now I do not even care enough to look for it. So, I am working through one day at a time. At the moment that seems to be all there is that is left to do, and hopefully I will be able to see the benefit in all of this (eventually).

searching for the best.

Everyone has heard the old phrase "you always want what you can't have." This phrase is very common; however, most of the time we do not give very much thought to it. Over the past few months, I have realized how true this statement is. Whether one wants a better job, a better car, a better place to live, and even better friendships and relationships; it has become clear to me that this phrase can be applied in almost any situation. I have always wondered why, as people, we always want what we can't have. Why is it that we never want what is right in front of us, but rather something more? Maybe the thought of settling is what freaks us out.

Picking something and sticking to it can be scary, especially if one realizes later that they could have had something better. It seems like we are constantly saying we have to take risks and jump into something else; however, maybe we have never really considered that sticking with something could be considered taking a risk. Because of that constant fight for the best, we sometimes throw away the very thing that was actually the best for us, and there is a huge difference from what I think is "best" and what even my closest friends think is "best." And I think this constant search for the best is a part of what causes us to always want what we can't have, which also causes a sense of unhappiness.

Recently, I have realized that I threw away some things that were the best for me. At the time, I did not realize this because of my search for the best. I have finally started to understand that those who are satisfied with what they have when they have it, are the happiest people alive. I hope that I can one day figure out how to stop constantly wishing for more, and appreciate what I have sitting right in front of me.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find you get what you need."

reflections.

This year has been one with tons of change. A year ago I really was not sure what 2012 would bring me, and there have been all sorts of adventures that I never expected. I never thought I would be the type of girl that writes blogs every month, but here I am; still going. Anyway, this year has brought so much joy, pain, happiness, and heartbreak; however, I would not take any of it back because of the strength it has helped me develop. Graduating from high-school and moving out have been the biggest highlights this year; which also brings me to the most important thing I have figured out over the course of 2012.

During high-school, I felt pretty unhappy a lot of the time and it took me a long while to figure out that the cause of my unhappiness was my inability to let things go. Even though moving out has been one of the hardest struggles I have had, I know it would have been harder had I not learned how to catch my breath and let it go.

So, overall this year the most important thing I have learned is to let things go. To let go of pain and heartbreak. To let go of the people in my life who only cause unhappiness. To let go of the past events that have caused me to fear certain things in the future. In letting go of the things that hurt, I have been able to find peace and the true meaning of home. I can not imagine how different things would have went this year if I had not learned about the sense of peace and home that is a result of letting go. Even though I am not very sure of what is going to happen in my life or where I am going to go in the year 2013, I do know for certain that I will always be able to find my way home by letting go of anything that counteracts that sense of peace.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hold on to the past is holding you back from a new life."