control.

Having control over our lives is something that everyone always seeks for. When we find it everything goes great, but when we lose it all hell breaks lose. As a person, we love to have self expression or self control. When we feel as though either one of these are lost, feeling trapped or lost are prominent feelings that take over. The feeling is almost as though we have lost our sense of direction, our sense of motivation. If there is no control in our lives, everything seems to put itself on hold. Lately, my life has felt out of control and out of my element.

Making the adjustment from knowing exactly where I would be a year from now, and knowing exactly what I will be working for, to not having a clue has been one of the hardest things ever. I felt that way last year when I was deciding where to attend college, and that feeling has seemed to sneak back in. I feel no control over my life, especially while being on the search for a job again. Most days I have no clue why I am even going to college right now, other than for the fact that I can not answer the question, "What would you be doing if you were not in college?" Most people at least have an idea of what kind of career they would like to have in the future, which gives at least a small sense of direction. Personally, I literally have no idea where my life is going or where to take it. Parents and friends will say, "You're young, you have your whole life to decide." However, I feel that is not a viable statement. The cost of college has gone up too high to change majors three times, and right now I feel as though I am sending mine and my parents' time and money down the tubes. Staying attentive in class is a bigger struggle than ever, and my classes are not even very challenging this semester.

No direction, no motivation, and no close friends down here to help keep me on my feet like they did back home. Already want to get out of this town and try something else, except it feels like there is not a way to move on and work through this rut when it seems like there is nothing to move on to. Crazy how not having a sense of control over my life can basically change my outlook on a lot of things. My level of caring has reached an all time low, and if I am ever stressed I can credit it to the lack of being in control. My motivation for wanting to make friends in this town and become involved with this school has dropped to a level I did not think was possible. Stress from school is non-existent, and stress from feeling so out of control replaces that. Maybe one day I will find that control again, but as of right now I do not even care enough to look for it. So, I am working through one day at a time. At the moment that seems to be all there is that is left to do, and hopefully I will be able to see the benefit in all of this (eventually).