collisions.

"People will walk in and out of your life all the time. Sometimes they come right when you need them to, and other times they leave right when you don't want them to. Either way, they'll leave marks that you keep with you wherever you go."

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how many people are constantly walking in and out of my life, and what a huge impact they can create. I like to consider the moments when people walk into my life as collisions. Predicting the time of these collisions is nearly impossible, and sometimes I do not even realize how big of an impact the collusion will make until the "dust" seems to settle. As I look back on my experiences with these moments of impact, I know I keep these experiences marked in my heart wherever I go. Some collisions have caused pain and heartache, but at one point or another, each and every one has created happiness that I can appreciate no matter how long or short the time was when that happiness lasted.

I have been lucky to have people in my life who are constantly there; however, moving away from town helped me put everything into perspective. Over the past few months, I have been very focused on coming home to be with these constants in my life. I focused so much on them and on building myself back up that I was not paying attention and collided right into some new people that I was not expecting. These new collisions have helped me see that no matter what I do, people will always come and go. Even if I do not feel like these collisions happen at the right time, I can see the impact, or the "ripple effects" that each and every person in my life makes.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go of these people who have made such an influence in my life, but in some situations, I know I have to because they have already walked away. I have always had such a hard time figuring out why people walk out of my life; some with no explanation. I used to ask a million questions about why they would go, or why they do not care anymore. It took some time for me to realize that when someone moves on, it does not always mean they do not care. Even if they did move on because of a lack of caring, it does not matter. Holding onto pain and questioning everything will never cause anything but discontent. No matter what the reason is for their departure, I have finally reached a point of acceptance for the effects of every collision I make. I can not predict the effects of any collisions, but they are here to shape me, break me, and understand this craziness we like to call "life." I guess what I am trying to say is, here I go again; letting go, moving on, and waiting for the next collision.

"The moment of impact proves potential for change, has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together, making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures, landing them where you never thought you'd find them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how it is going to affect you. You just have to let the colliding parts fall where they may and wait for the next collision."

demons.

My definition of "Demons":

An experience or feeling that brings pain and/or one feels ashamed or scared of.

These past few months have been some of the longest I have ever faced. Coming home and being around the people I love has helped me to recuperate, as well as put everything I have been going through into perspective. One day, my friends and I went for a short road trip, and I was introduced to a song called "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. Music has always been a big part of my life, and this song describes just a small piece of all the thoughts I have been having for a while. 

Experiencing life on my own has been harder than I would have ever imagined. Everything seemed like it was falling apart for a while. I lost the drive, the motivation, the happiness, and the love of life that I had. I lost myself, and when I looked around at everyone around me, it seemed as though everything was perfect for them. They seemed to be "made of gold." My prior thoughts and dreams of how my first year on my own was going to be were wrong. I felt like a failure. 

When the days are cold, and the cards all fold

And the saints we see, are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail, and the ones we hail

Are the worst of all, and the blood’s run stale

I want to hide the truth, I want to shelter you

But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come

Chorus:

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

I felt like I had no one to talk to. I felt like I needed to hide the truth of how hard everything really was. Hiding from the truth only lasted for a little while, and eventually my "demons" started to show a little more. People started to notice, but I was too stubborn to let them really see how much I was letting myself go.

I thought that if I let someone in and let them talk to me, let them help me, they would judge me. I made a mess of myself. However, I did something that I have not done in a long time. I let someone in before I came home. I let this person in and they ended up breaking my trust, breaking my heart; only adding to the "demons" I already had.

When the curtain’s call, is the last of all

When the lights fade out, all the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave, and the masquerade

Will come calling out, at the mess you made

Don’t want to let you down, but I am hell bound

Though this is all for you, don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come

(Chorus)

They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright, I want to save their light

I can't escape this now, unless you show me how

(Chorus)

When I came home this month, I held everything in again out of fear. Everyone is so used to seeing the laid-back, happy girl who truly believes that laughter is the best medicine for everything, that I was not sure they would know how to react to this darker side. I planned to keep everything hidden  until I hit a breaking point, and I finally allowed the people who have been there for me this whole time to be there like they were before I left. 

They showed me all the happiness I left behind without even knowing. I have had so much anger and sadness "woven in my soul" for too long, and I know the time to let it go is now. After disappointing myself and hiding my "demons," I am ready to save the light that I used to see in myself every day. I was strong once, and I know if I make it through this process of letting go like I have before, I can find the happy girl I was before. If I can find her again, maybe leaving my hometown for the second time this fall will not be nearly as hard as it was a year ago.

Imagine Dragons - "Demons" Music Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWRsgZuwf_8

rash judgments.

"People will question all the good things they hear about you, but believe all the bad without a second thought."

For a long time, I have been thinking about how many harsh words are said to each other every day, and while I have been having these thoughts I have noticed that one element is prominent in many of the harsh words we say, and that one element is judgement. So, what exactly is judgement? Judgement is defined as: the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind. While this judgement can be used for good to keep ourselves from harmful situations and to make sound decisions, the judgement of other people is not used for good and has started to get out of hand. 

Why are we so quick to judge others and say hurtful things even when we do not know the full story? Why are we so quick to believe the bad things about people without a second thought, but refuse to believe when something good is said? The fact that I (and I am sure many others) have reached a point where the negatives are so prominently focused on is very upsetting. Everywhere I go, something negative is said about other people. I can not say that I am innocent of doing this, but as I have been figuring things out on my own, I have realized that all this negativity needs to be stopped. Not only have I been judged myself, but I have also said things that I should not have.

Everyone hates the feeling of being judged. We all become frustrated and hurt when rash judgments are directed toward us, so why do we still do to other people ourselves? Saying derogatory comments towards other does not make me feel better about myself, and I can not imagine that it makes anyone else feel better about themselves either. I have always believed that there is no way to completely know someone. Although there may be people you know very well, there is still not a possible way to know their exact thinking processes and why they do the things they do. More often than not, first impressions and first judgments of people are proved wrong anyway.

Even if we do not agree with the things other people say or do, the least we can do is respect their thoughts and decisions. Instead of forming and opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion based on the outward appearances that we see, why can't we just understand that all people have a reason behind what they do? Maybe if we could understand that fact, rash judgments would not be passed as often as they are. Maybe one day we will start to believe the good things that are said toward/about each other and deny the bad, rather than second guessing anything positive. 

Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Not all illness can be seen. Not all pain is obvious. Remember that before passing judgement on another.