recreating myself.

Three years ago, I knew exactly who I was. I knew what kind of a person I was and who I wanted to be. I had high expectations and worked so hard that every day felt like an accomplishment. I was so completely sure of who I was and what I wanted that I did not let anything stop me, nothing got in my way. I faced my obstacles with grace and clarity. What some people saw as mountains, I saw as small speed bumps. I loved everything about life, and my relationships were strong. I always knew there would be struggles along the way after I moved out on my own, but what I never considered was what would happen if all the self confidence and drive that I had was just stripped away. I do not think anyone really considers that until it actually happens, and building myself back up has felt nearly impossible.

Moving out on my own turned out to be a lot harder than I had ever imagined. Everything about who I knew myself to be was destroyed in what seemed like a blink of an eye. I ruined the strong friendships that I once had, which is something that I never thought I would do. I did not want to see anyone when I visited home because I did not feel like anyone wanted to see a stranger. I was scared they would be appalled at who I have turned out to be when they expected more.

When you do not know who you are, when everything is stripped away from you, you start to not care about anything. You cannot be happy for yourself because you do not even know what makes you happy to begin with. You cannot get excited for things and create motivation if you do not know what excites you. In turn, you cannot be there for others and create relationships when you do not have a strong relationship with yourself.

I have had this picture in my head of how I used to be, and how things are supposed to be, and realizing that I am the own creator of my happiness has taken a long, long time. Holding on to my past self has done nothing but cause grief. Letting go of that past, recreating myself, and figuring out what makes me happy and motivates me is going to be a long road, but I am finally ready to take that first step.

"It's one of those things people say: 'You can't move on until you let go of the past.' Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes, we fight it, trying to keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let it go, move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow."

- Meridith Grey: Grey's Anatomy

flaws.

Everyone seems to be in love with the idea of having someone love them, flaws and all. However, lately I have noticed that the norm is not seeing past others' flaws, but rather to point them out and use them as ammunition to make ourselves feel better about our own flaws. Flaws are the only thing that anyone seems to notice. No one wants to hear about the accomplishments of others anymore. People do not take the time to see what makes a person great, we would all rather figure out what makes a person not so great. This thought process is a sickening phase that needs to stop. 

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

- Martin Luther King Jr.

I do not think very many people realize how much of a difference saying, "Wow, you did a really good job with that" makes in someone's day. We have been programmed to think that good results will come from criticizing each other and pointing out the flaws, rather than focusing on the positive aspects. This concept is so simple that many people have probably been familiar with it since they were kids. Positive results will not come from negative feedback. We have forgotten the simple fact that everyone has flaws, ourselves included. For some reason, so many people seem to have the thought that if we point out everyone else's mistakes and hardships, our own problems will fly out the door. I do not even know how many times a day I see people being criticized for the smallest flaws, while their large accomplishments go completely unnoticed.

No wonder everyone is so exhausted. No wonder motivation is lost. No wonder nothing in school and work places is ever exemplary. We have lost our eye for the good that people produce every day. The focus on flaws takes away the appearance of so many better things that we should be focusing on.

My day is so much more productive and so much better when I have at least one person who appreciates the work and dedication that people have every day. They say that "we are our own, worst critics." Since that is the case, imagine how hard accepting your own flaws becomes, when many of the messages we get from others are all about flaws. I know my flaws were so much easier for me to overcome when positive words from others were more prominent. 

If everyone wants others to love them, flaws and all, how can anyone expect this when the main focus is on flaws to begin with?

my sweet grandma.

This past month or so, my sweet Grandma Bunnell has been on my mind every single day. Grandma lived a fulfilling life, and I knew I would have to say goodbye sooner or later, I just had no idea it would be at the start of this year. When I found out she was about to go I was in shock. The last time I had seen her, she was smiling away and walking around like a healthy horse. Luckily, my mom and two aunts were able to drive her through St. George on their way back to her home in Orem, and I was able to see her one last time before she went. Our conversation was short, she could barely talk. I was letting her know how much I appreciate and love her when her words started jumbling together and she was not making sense. I let her talk, and she started saying "I love you" multiple times. At this point, I could not hold back my tears and I knew she would not want me to be sad, so I gave her as big of a hug as I could and kissed her on the head before saying "I love you" one last time.

I thought saying goodbye would be easy. She lived a long, happy life, it was her time to go. However, even today I am not sure that I have completely grasped the fact that grandma's chair at the farm will be absent of my grandma's happy smile. On Sunday, January 12, my beautiful Grandma Bunnell passed away. Her funeral was beautiful, and I could not have imagined it any other way. The weekend of seeing all of my family went by too fast.

I think of her all the time. When I am eating a croissant, cashews, Andes Mints, or various other snacks I think of her. She always had quite the selection of things to munch on every time we visited her. I made a grilled cheese sandwich the other day and remembered how Grandma would always put way too much cheese on the sandwiches she made, but my little sister and I would eat them anyway and tell her how good they were. Snow reminds me of times Grandma would wrap all the cousins up and send us outside to play in the fields of snow. Spring reminds me of when she would pick flowers in her garden and always have fresh ones to display in the kitchen. Warm summer weather reminds me of my cousin Loree and I asking if she thought the pond was warm enough to swim in, and her answer of, "Its probably way too cold!" Even though we would ask in the middle of July. Leaves remind me of the excitement of raking in front of her house and the fun of having the older cousins throw the younger ones into the massive piles we created.

I am going to miss the afternoons my mom and I sat outside with Grandma and helped her walk around to get some fresh air. I am going to miss the smile she had whenever she held one of the great grandkids. I am going to miss the smell of her lotion that lingered on all the scarves and quilts she made for the cousins and me. I could go on all day about all the little things Grandma did that I am going to miss, but what I am going to miss most of all is her unconditional love. Grandma would love anyone no matter what they did. She always welcomed us into her house with open arms and the biggest smile. I don't know if there is anything in this world that can beat Grandma's capacity to love everyone so fully. Grandma is by far my biggest role model, and I can only pray she knows that.

This one goes out to Luana Porter Bunnell, my beautiful, perfect, sweet grandma. I know she is in a better place now. Love you grandma, always have, always will.