misguided ghosts.

"I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back. Don't try to follow me, cause I'll return as soon as possible. See, I'm trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe"

Paramore: "Misguided Ghosts"

For the longest time, I have been feeling so lost that I never thought I would find myself again. I was just going with the flow and I did not really care about anyone. I have selfishly thought that I was the only person that felt this lost. Friends that I thought would be there through it all proved me wrong. I lost my sense of where "home" is to me. I made some choices that I hated myself for, beat myself up for every single day. Coming home for the summer was supposed to bring me clarity, but all that I found was confusion. I ran away from this confusion by seeking out anything that would make me stop thinking about it. The coward in me did not want to deal with any of it, but just like with everything else I hit a wall. 

"We all learn to make mistakes and run from them with no direction. We'll run from them with no conviction. Cause I'm just one of those ghosts, traveling endlessly. Don't need no roads; in fact, they follow me and we just go in circles. And now I'm told that this is life, that pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it"

This wall was a realization that I am not the only person that has been lost. So many people who are right in front of me are just as lost, if not more lost than I am, but because of my selfishness I failed to see it. I used to find so much happiness in being the reason for brightening someone else's day. I have missed being the one people can always count on coming to if they need to laugh, if they need to talk, if they need to forget. I forgot that each and every one of us are just "misguided ghosts." 

"Would someone care to classify our broken hearts and twisted minds so I can find someone to rely on and run to them, full speed ahead. You are not useless, we are just misguided ghosts, traveling endlessly. The ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away and there's no one road. We should not be the same, but I'm just a ghost and still they echo me; they echo me in circles."

This weekend I finally came to terms with everything that has been happening in my life. Setbacks are still inevitable, but I found at least a small glimpse of the motivation and drive that I once had. I want to be the reason for people's laughter, the reason for people's smiles. I want to show people that no matter what mistakes we make, no matter what we do, it is possible to rebuild ourselves. The strength that has been lost can be found, even when it seems we are building from scratch. As for me, the happy girl that I lost can be found again, and I am building her up from the ground-up. No more hiding, no more running.