souls.

Over the past few years, I have been struggling to find happiness and only recently have I been able to say I am figuring out what exactly true happiness is. One thing that has been helping me find that is getting to know people for the souls that are inside of them. Unfortunately, I have noticed that a good portion of people I meet never make it past their judgments of a person's outward appearance and they miss out on truly getting to know people. People are judged for being too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too pretty, and the list could go on and on. My question is, what person in the world can match our current ideals of beauty and perfection based on appearance? There are not many, and even if there were I have learned that someone can be nearly perfect on the outside, but if their soul is tainted with judgments and preconceived notions then all that "perfection" disappears instantly.

So many people in the world are lonely, and I truly believe it is because of the fact that a lot of people decide if they are going to talk to someone or not depending on how they look. People are not as genuine anymore because being genuine is hard when you are judged before you even open your mouth. I always wonder how different the world would be if this was not the case. I like to believe that if we could see people's souls before making judgments there would be a lot less lonely, unhappy people in the world.

Stop caring about what people look like, how old they are, or where they have or have not been and let their souls speak. You will never have any idea what someone is thinking or why they do the things they do until you ask questions. Figure out what makes their soul happy, sad, motivated, and discouraged, because otherwise you might miss out on a potentially beautiful soul because all you could see was their lack of physical beauty. I promise if you weed out the people who only care about outward appearances and get to know the souls inside, you will start to find genuine people.

"Souls recognize each other by the way they feel,

not the way they look."

real talk.

This year, I am focusing on getting to know myself. I am figuring out what makes me happy, sad, excited, and frustrated. I have never focused on myself this way in my whole life but the more I do, the more happiness I seem to find. One of the big things I have been working on is expressing myself fully without giving a damn about what anyone thinks of me. Part of this expression involves talking to people. Getting to know others' personalities helps me get to know mine, but something sickening I have noticed is that people do not know how to talk anymore.

Technology has allowed us to "connect" with people all over the place but the sad thing is, we are not actually connecting with anyone. Since we can see our friends' statuses and tweets, I think we come to the conclusion that we know what is going on in their lives. We come to the conclusion that we know them. A Facebook status or a tweet on Twitter tells nothing about what makes a person laugh, what makes a person cry, what makes a person light up with passion.

"I hate small talk. I don't want to know "what's up." I want to hear about your childhood, your favorite scents, what types of music you like, and your religious views. I want to know what keeps you up at night, how much certain things mean to you, your insecurities, and your fears."

When I was in high school, I remember having conversations with my friends for hours. Conversations that could go on forever if we had the time. I felt like I knew my friends better than I knew myself simply from what we talked about. Sometimes the conversations were light and made us laugh, while other times the conversations got serious and we talked about the deeper parts of ourselves that we would not share with just anyone. During these times no one was scrolling through social media, pretending to listen. We actually looked at each other, really listened to each other, and truly connected with each other. I did not realize at the time that finding someone who is interested to know what makes me, me, would be a rarity in the future.

The sad truth is, people do not know how to truly get to know someone anymore. Long conversations that I used to have with people have now been replaced with worthless small talk, over and over again. People bring up accomplishments that are shared on social media, but do not bother to dig deeper and ask about the things that are not posted on the internet. Even though we can talk to people with the push of a button, we are missing out a lot on face-to-face interactions. We are missing out on actually talking to people.

"Our generation has lost the value of conversation. Sadly, small talk is the new deep."

So next time you talk to someone, put down your phone. Look them in the face, and listen. You never know what demons they are fighting that could easily be solved if someone would just listen. Finding someone who knows how to carry on a conversation and knows the value of actually talking should not be a rarity. The world would not feel so lonely if we could go back to getting to know people without assuming that everything there is to know about them is on social media.

dance it out.

Dancing was a huge part of my life for six years. In high school, after a tough day, going to dance with my girls at Encore made the bad day fade away. Not only did I dance at a studio with built choreography, I loved dancing even if it was spur of the moment. I was the typical girl who danced around in her room, singing into a hairbrush. I loved dancing with my best friend when we were killing time before going out for the night. I lived and breathed by the phrase "when in doubt, dance it out," and dancing was my remedy for any kind of struggle you could think of. I did not care what anyone thought, or if my dancing was actually terrible. I did it for me, and there was no such thing as a sad moment dancing.

Somewhere along the line, I lost that. Real life got to me and I stopped listening to music that made me want to dance. I stopped dancing around my room and going to college dances. I did not even realize how big of a change that was for me for a long time. Over the past few years, I have lost myself, found myself, and lost myself again and the cycle continues. I am not really sure of a lot of things about life right now but I am sure of one thing, whatever the problem is, dancing is the remedy.

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best take it out and teach it to dance."

- George Bernard Shaw

Even if it is just bouncing to the beat in your car or making the vacuum your dance partner while cleaning, dancing brings happiness. Sometimes we take life too seriously. We forget that everyone is going through the every day struggles that take their toll over time if we do not step back for a moment and let ourselves be happy. Happy with the fact that we even have the ability to dance in the first place. So next time you get the urge to dance, do not take it for granted. Get up and dance without caring what anyone thinks, and watch all your stresses of the day just fade away.

simple pleasures.

The past few months I have been focusing on recreating myself; building myself up to be a person I feel confident with being. Being me, whoever that is. One thing I have noticed that has built me up more than anything else has are every day, simple pleasures. When was the last time you sat and appreciated those little moments, those natural highs throughout the day that bring even the slightest smile?

One thing I think deserves some appreciating is sleeping in, because who does not love that moment in the morning when you look at your alarm and see that it's only four in the morning? On the best days, (after sleeping in of course), I sit on the porch with my cat, Otto, and brush him in the fresh air. Anyone who lives away from an area that has serious air pollution should take a minute just to go outside and appreciate the fresh air, the blue skies, and the green grass. On a rainy day, my ideal day is sitting by the windows listening to the rain hit the house, cozy with a blanket and my cat. Cherish those cleansing, beautiful, rainy days. Music is another simple pleasure that I think a lot of us take for granted because it is always somewhere in the background, but sitting down with your headphones in and really listening to the music is something else. Listen to your old favorite songs, find new songs you connect with, because as of right now, music has been what is changing my outlook. Music can sympathize and rejoice with you, and even "when words fail, music speaks."

Maybe all of these simple pleasures are not what other people smile about, but if anyone is struggling to feel even a little bit of happiness, look for these simple pleasures that bring even a hint of a smile, and hold onto them, it'll make a world of difference.

recreating myself.

Three years ago, I knew exactly who I was. I knew what kind of a person I was and who I wanted to be. I had high expectations and worked so hard that every day felt like an accomplishment. I was so completely sure of who I was and what I wanted that I did not let anything stop me, nothing got in my way. I faced my obstacles with grace and clarity. What some people saw as mountains, I saw as small speed bumps. I loved everything about life, and my relationships were strong. I always knew there would be struggles along the way after I moved out on my own, but what I never considered was what would happen if all the self confidence and drive that I had was just stripped away. I do not think anyone really considers that until it actually happens, and building myself back up has felt nearly impossible.

Moving out on my own turned out to be a lot harder than I had ever imagined. Everything about who I knew myself to be was destroyed in what seemed like a blink of an eye. I ruined the strong friendships that I once had, which is something that I never thought I would do. I did not want to see anyone when I visited home because I did not feel like anyone wanted to see a stranger. I was scared they would be appalled at who I have turned out to be when they expected more.

When you do not know who you are, when everything is stripped away from you, you start to not care about anything. You cannot be happy for yourself because you do not even know what makes you happy to begin with. You cannot get excited for things and create motivation if you do not know what excites you. In turn, you cannot be there for others and create relationships when you do not have a strong relationship with yourself.

I have had this picture in my head of how I used to be, and how things are supposed to be, and realizing that I am the own creator of my happiness has taken a long, long time. Holding on to my past self has done nothing but cause grief. Letting go of that past, recreating myself, and figuring out what makes me happy and motivates me is going to be a long road, but I am finally ready to take that first step.

"It's one of those things people say: 'You can't move on until you let go of the past.' Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes, we fight it, trying to keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let it go, move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow."

- Meridith Grey: Grey's Anatomy

flaws.

Everyone seems to be in love with the idea of having someone love them, flaws and all. However, lately I have noticed that the norm is not seeing past others' flaws, but rather to point them out and use them as ammunition to make ourselves feel better about our own flaws. Flaws are the only thing that anyone seems to notice. No one wants to hear about the accomplishments of others anymore. People do not take the time to see what makes a person great, we would all rather figure out what makes a person not so great. This thought process is a sickening phase that needs to stop. 

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

- Martin Luther King Jr.

I do not think very many people realize how much of a difference saying, "Wow, you did a really good job with that" makes in someone's day. We have been programmed to think that good results will come from criticizing each other and pointing out the flaws, rather than focusing on the positive aspects. This concept is so simple that many people have probably been familiar with it since they were kids. Positive results will not come from negative feedback. We have forgotten the simple fact that everyone has flaws, ourselves included. For some reason, so many people seem to have the thought that if we point out everyone else's mistakes and hardships, our own problems will fly out the door. I do not even know how many times a day I see people being criticized for the smallest flaws, while their large accomplishments go completely unnoticed.

No wonder everyone is so exhausted. No wonder motivation is lost. No wonder nothing in school and work places is ever exemplary. We have lost our eye for the good that people produce every day. The focus on flaws takes away the appearance of so many better things that we should be focusing on.

My day is so much more productive and so much better when I have at least one person who appreciates the work and dedication that people have every day. They say that "we are our own, worst critics." Since that is the case, imagine how hard accepting your own flaws becomes, when many of the messages we get from others are all about flaws. I know my flaws were so much easier for me to overcome when positive words from others were more prominent. 

If everyone wants others to love them, flaws and all, how can anyone expect this when the main focus is on flaws to begin with?

my sweet grandma.

This past month or so, my sweet Grandma Bunnell has been on my mind every single day. Grandma lived a fulfilling life, and I knew I would have to say goodbye sooner or later, I just had no idea it would be at the start of this year. When I found out she was about to go I was in shock. The last time I had seen her, she was smiling away and walking around like a healthy horse. Luckily, my mom and two aunts were able to drive her through St. George on their way back to her home in Orem, and I was able to see her one last time before she went. Our conversation was short, she could barely talk. I was letting her know how much I appreciate and love her when her words started jumbling together and she was not making sense. I let her talk, and she started saying "I love you" multiple times. At this point, I could not hold back my tears and I knew she would not want me to be sad, so I gave her as big of a hug as I could and kissed her on the head before saying "I love you" one last time.

I thought saying goodbye would be easy. She lived a long, happy life, it was her time to go. However, even today I am not sure that I have completely grasped the fact that grandma's chair at the farm will be absent of my grandma's happy smile. On Sunday, January 12, my beautiful Grandma Bunnell passed away. Her funeral was beautiful, and I could not have imagined it any other way. The weekend of seeing all of my family went by too fast.

I think of her all the time. When I am eating a croissant, cashews, Andes Mints, or various other snacks I think of her. She always had quite the selection of things to munch on every time we visited her. I made a grilled cheese sandwich the other day and remembered how Grandma would always put way too much cheese on the sandwiches she made, but my little sister and I would eat them anyway and tell her how good they were. Snow reminds me of times Grandma would wrap all the cousins up and send us outside to play in the fields of snow. Spring reminds me of when she would pick flowers in her garden and always have fresh ones to display in the kitchen. Warm summer weather reminds me of my cousin Loree and I asking if she thought the pond was warm enough to swim in, and her answer of, "Its probably way too cold!" Even though we would ask in the middle of July. Leaves remind me of the excitement of raking in front of her house and the fun of having the older cousins throw the younger ones into the massive piles we created.

I am going to miss the afternoons my mom and I sat outside with Grandma and helped her walk around to get some fresh air. I am going to miss the smile she had whenever she held one of the great grandkids. I am going to miss the smell of her lotion that lingered on all the scarves and quilts she made for the cousins and me. I could go on all day about all the little things Grandma did that I am going to miss, but what I am going to miss most of all is her unconditional love. Grandma would love anyone no matter what they did. She always welcomed us into her house with open arms and the biggest smile. I don't know if there is anything in this world that can beat Grandma's capacity to love everyone so fully. Grandma is by far my biggest role model, and I can only pray she knows that.

This one goes out to Luana Porter Bunnell, my beautiful, perfect, sweet grandma. I know she is in a better place now. Love you grandma, always have, always will. 

anger.

This past year & a half has probably been the hardest to work through. I have been sad, I have been put down, and let down, all of which have caused something more destructive; anger. Some may say that being angry is like "drinking poison and expecting someone else to die," which is true, but I do not know if many people have considered what happens when the anger you hold is not toward others, but rather towards yourself. Being angry at someone else is easy. All you have to do is focus the negative energy on someone else. When you are angry at yourself, all that energy is focused on you.

Out of all the negative emotions I have ever had, anger is by far the most destructive. 

Anger influences so much. Anger makes me want to be reckless and self destructive. Anger makes me want to prove every person that doubted me, wrong. Anger makes me want everyone to feel the pain I have felt. Anger makes me want to push everyone away. Anger gives me motivation to forget everyone but myself. Anger makes me feel all those things when its directed toward someone else, but when I am angry with myself, anger transforms me into someone I can not recognize, and it breaks me until all the happiness I had was gone.

Anger will keep you alive for a while, but then it will eat you alive.

No matter where anger is directed or who is angry, the hostility it causes can make or break a person, and for the past few months, my anger has been directed at one person. Me. Forgiving other people has always come so easily to me, but forgiving myself is a completely different story. I have been angry at myself for decisions I have made, for the people I have hurt. I have been angry at myself for letting people step on me and treat me like I am nothing. I am angry at myself for not being a friend that others can count on, and the list goes on. I get angry at myself for causing people to be angry with me. I get angry at myself for not letting things go like I say I am going to, and I get angry at myself for not standing strong & letting myself be truly happy.

Anger makes me tired, anger makes me exhausted. Anger makes me shut people out and seal off any emotion that might come from blocking them out. Anger makes me build walls that I am scared of people climbing over. I have spent so much time and energy trying to let go of sadness and pain. I have tried day in and day out to find my happy self again, but in all this effort, I never considered letting go of anger. I never realized how far down anger brings me, and how the hatred towards my decisions makes me unsure of everything I do. My only hope is that someday soon, I can let this anger go.