anger.

This past year & a half has probably been the hardest to work through. I have been sad, I have been put down, and let down, all of which have caused something more destructive; anger. Some may say that being angry is like "drinking poison and expecting someone else to die," which is true, but I do not know if many people have considered what happens when the anger you hold is not toward others, but rather towards yourself. Being angry at someone else is easy. All you have to do is focus the negative energy on someone else. When you are angry at yourself, all that energy is focused on you.

Out of all the negative emotions I have ever had, anger is by far the most destructive. 

Anger influences so much. Anger makes me want to be reckless and self destructive. Anger makes me want to prove every person that doubted me, wrong. Anger makes me want everyone to feel the pain I have felt. Anger makes me want to push everyone away. Anger gives me motivation to forget everyone but myself. Anger makes me feel all those things when its directed toward someone else, but when I am angry with myself, anger transforms me into someone I can not recognize, and it breaks me until all the happiness I had was gone.

Anger will keep you alive for a while, but then it will eat you alive.

No matter where anger is directed or who is angry, the hostility it causes can make or break a person, and for the past few months, my anger has been directed at one person. Me. Forgiving other people has always come so easily to me, but forgiving myself is a completely different story. I have been angry at myself for decisions I have made, for the people I have hurt. I have been angry at myself for letting people step on me and treat me like I am nothing. I am angry at myself for not being a friend that others can count on, and the list goes on. I get angry at myself for causing people to be angry with me. I get angry at myself for not letting things go like I say I am going to, and I get angry at myself for not standing strong & letting myself be truly happy.

Anger makes me tired, anger makes me exhausted. Anger makes me shut people out and seal off any emotion that might come from blocking them out. Anger makes me build walls that I am scared of people climbing over. I have spent so much time and energy trying to let go of sadness and pain. I have tried day in and day out to find my happy self again, but in all this effort, I never considered letting go of anger. I never realized how far down anger brings me, and how the hatred towards my decisions makes me unsure of everything I do. My only hope is that someday soon, I can let this anger go.

demons.

My definition of "Demons":

An experience or feeling that brings pain and/or one feels ashamed or scared of.

These past few months have been some of the longest I have ever faced. Coming home and being around the people I love has helped me to recuperate, as well as put everything I have been going through into perspective. One day, my friends and I went for a short road trip, and I was introduced to a song called "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. Music has always been a big part of my life, and this song describes just a small piece of all the thoughts I have been having for a while. 

Experiencing life on my own has been harder than I would have ever imagined. Everything seemed like it was falling apart for a while. I lost the drive, the motivation, the happiness, and the love of life that I had. I lost myself, and when I looked around at everyone around me, it seemed as though everything was perfect for them. They seemed to be "made of gold." My prior thoughts and dreams of how my first year on my own was going to be were wrong. I felt like a failure. 

When the days are cold, and the cards all fold

And the saints we see, are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail, and the ones we hail

Are the worst of all, and the blood’s run stale

I want to hide the truth, I want to shelter you

But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come

Chorus:

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

I felt like I had no one to talk to. I felt like I needed to hide the truth of how hard everything really was. Hiding from the truth only lasted for a little while, and eventually my "demons" started to show a little more. People started to notice, but I was too stubborn to let them really see how much I was letting myself go.

I thought that if I let someone in and let them talk to me, let them help me, they would judge me. I made a mess of myself. However, I did something that I have not done in a long time. I let someone in before I came home. I let this person in and they ended up breaking my trust, breaking my heart; only adding to the "demons" I already had.

When the curtain’s call, is the last of all

When the lights fade out, all the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave, and the masquerade

Will come calling out, at the mess you made

Don’t want to let you down, but I am hell bound

Though this is all for you, don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come

(Chorus)

They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright, I want to save their light

I can't escape this now, unless you show me how

(Chorus)

When I came home this month, I held everything in again out of fear. Everyone is so used to seeing the laid-back, happy girl who truly believes that laughter is the best medicine for everything, that I was not sure they would know how to react to this darker side. I planned to keep everything hidden  until I hit a breaking point, and I finally allowed the people who have been there for me this whole time to be there like they were before I left. 

They showed me all the happiness I left behind without even knowing. I have had so much anger and sadness "woven in my soul" for too long, and I know the time to let it go is now. After disappointing myself and hiding my "demons," I am ready to save the light that I used to see in myself every day. I was strong once, and I know if I make it through this process of letting go like I have before, I can find the happy girl I was before. If I can find her again, maybe leaving my hometown for the second time this fall will not be nearly as hard as it was a year ago.

Imagine Dragons - "Demons" Music Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWRsgZuwf_8