recreating myself.

Three years ago, I knew exactly who I was. I knew what kind of a person I was and who I wanted to be. I had high expectations and worked so hard that every day felt like an accomplishment. I was so completely sure of who I was and what I wanted that I did not let anything stop me, nothing got in my way. I faced my obstacles with grace and clarity. What some people saw as mountains, I saw as small speed bumps. I loved everything about life, and my relationships were strong. I always knew there would be struggles along the way after I moved out on my own, but what I never considered was what would happen if all the self confidence and drive that I had was just stripped away. I do not think anyone really considers that until it actually happens, and building myself back up has felt nearly impossible.

Moving out on my own turned out to be a lot harder than I had ever imagined. Everything about who I knew myself to be was destroyed in what seemed like a blink of an eye. I ruined the strong friendships that I once had, which is something that I never thought I would do. I did not want to see anyone when I visited home because I did not feel like anyone wanted to see a stranger. I was scared they would be appalled at who I have turned out to be when they expected more.

When you do not know who you are, when everything is stripped away from you, you start to not care about anything. You cannot be happy for yourself because you do not even know what makes you happy to begin with. You cannot get excited for things and create motivation if you do not know what excites you. In turn, you cannot be there for others and create relationships when you do not have a strong relationship with yourself.

I have had this picture in my head of how I used to be, and how things are supposed to be, and realizing that I am the own creator of my happiness has taken a long, long time. Holding on to my past self has done nothing but cause grief. Letting go of that past, recreating myself, and figuring out what makes me happy and motivates me is going to be a long road, but I am finally ready to take that first step.

"It's one of those things people say: 'You can't move on until you let go of the past.' Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes, we fight it, trying to keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let it go, move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow."

- Meridith Grey: Grey's Anatomy

anger.

This past year & a half has probably been the hardest to work through. I have been sad, I have been put down, and let down, all of which have caused something more destructive; anger. Some may say that being angry is like "drinking poison and expecting someone else to die," which is true, but I do not know if many people have considered what happens when the anger you hold is not toward others, but rather towards yourself. Being angry at someone else is easy. All you have to do is focus the negative energy on someone else. When you are angry at yourself, all that energy is focused on you.

Out of all the negative emotions I have ever had, anger is by far the most destructive. 

Anger influences so much. Anger makes me want to be reckless and self destructive. Anger makes me want to prove every person that doubted me, wrong. Anger makes me want everyone to feel the pain I have felt. Anger makes me want to push everyone away. Anger gives me motivation to forget everyone but myself. Anger makes me feel all those things when its directed toward someone else, but when I am angry with myself, anger transforms me into someone I can not recognize, and it breaks me until all the happiness I had was gone.

Anger will keep you alive for a while, but then it will eat you alive.

No matter where anger is directed or who is angry, the hostility it causes can make or break a person, and for the past few months, my anger has been directed at one person. Me. Forgiving other people has always come so easily to me, but forgiving myself is a completely different story. I have been angry at myself for decisions I have made, for the people I have hurt. I have been angry at myself for letting people step on me and treat me like I am nothing. I am angry at myself for not being a friend that others can count on, and the list goes on. I get angry at myself for causing people to be angry with me. I get angry at myself for not letting things go like I say I am going to, and I get angry at myself for not standing strong & letting myself be truly happy.

Anger makes me tired, anger makes me exhausted. Anger makes me shut people out and seal off any emotion that might come from blocking them out. Anger makes me build walls that I am scared of people climbing over. I have spent so much time and energy trying to let go of sadness and pain. I have tried day in and day out to find my happy self again, but in all this effort, I never considered letting go of anger. I never realized how far down anger brings me, and how the hatred towards my decisions makes me unsure of everything I do. My only hope is that someday soon, I can let this anger go.

collisions.

"People will walk in and out of your life all the time. Sometimes they come right when you need them to, and other times they leave right when you don't want them to. Either way, they'll leave marks that you keep with you wherever you go."

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how many people are constantly walking in and out of my life, and what a huge impact they can create. I like to consider the moments when people walk into my life as collisions. Predicting the time of these collisions is nearly impossible, and sometimes I do not even realize how big of an impact the collusion will make until the "dust" seems to settle. As I look back on my experiences with these moments of impact, I know I keep these experiences marked in my heart wherever I go. Some collisions have caused pain and heartache, but at one point or another, each and every one has created happiness that I can appreciate no matter how long or short the time was when that happiness lasted.

I have been lucky to have people in my life who are constantly there; however, moving away from town helped me put everything into perspective. Over the past few months, I have been very focused on coming home to be with these constants in my life. I focused so much on them and on building myself back up that I was not paying attention and collided right into some new people that I was not expecting. These new collisions have helped me see that no matter what I do, people will always come and go. Even if I do not feel like these collisions happen at the right time, I can see the impact, or the "ripple effects" that each and every person in my life makes.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go of these people who have made such an influence in my life, but in some situations, I know I have to because they have already walked away. I have always had such a hard time figuring out why people walk out of my life; some with no explanation. I used to ask a million questions about why they would go, or why they do not care anymore. It took some time for me to realize that when someone moves on, it does not always mean they do not care. Even if they did move on because of a lack of caring, it does not matter. Holding onto pain and questioning everything will never cause anything but discontent. No matter what the reason is for their departure, I have finally reached a point of acceptance for the effects of every collision I make. I can not predict the effects of any collisions, but they are here to shape me, break me, and understand this craziness we like to call "life." I guess what I am trying to say is, here I go again; letting go, moving on, and waiting for the next collision.

"The moment of impact proves potential for change, has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together, making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures, landing them where you never thought you'd find them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how it is going to affect you. You just have to let the colliding parts fall where they may and wait for the next collision."

demons.

My definition of "Demons":

An experience or feeling that brings pain and/or one feels ashamed or scared of.

These past few months have been some of the longest I have ever faced. Coming home and being around the people I love has helped me to recuperate, as well as put everything I have been going through into perspective. One day, my friends and I went for a short road trip, and I was introduced to a song called "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. Music has always been a big part of my life, and this song describes just a small piece of all the thoughts I have been having for a while. 

Experiencing life on my own has been harder than I would have ever imagined. Everything seemed like it was falling apart for a while. I lost the drive, the motivation, the happiness, and the love of life that I had. I lost myself, and when I looked around at everyone around me, it seemed as though everything was perfect for them. They seemed to be "made of gold." My prior thoughts and dreams of how my first year on my own was going to be were wrong. I felt like a failure. 

When the days are cold, and the cards all fold

And the saints we see, are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail, and the ones we hail

Are the worst of all, and the blood’s run stale

I want to hide the truth, I want to shelter you

But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come

Chorus:

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide

I felt like I had no one to talk to. I felt like I needed to hide the truth of how hard everything really was. Hiding from the truth only lasted for a little while, and eventually my "demons" started to show a little more. People started to notice, but I was too stubborn to let them really see how much I was letting myself go.

I thought that if I let someone in and let them talk to me, let them help me, they would judge me. I made a mess of myself. However, I did something that I have not done in a long time. I let someone in before I came home. I let this person in and they ended up breaking my trust, breaking my heart; only adding to the "demons" I already had.

When the curtain’s call, is the last of all

When the lights fade out, all the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave, and the masquerade

Will come calling out, at the mess you made

Don’t want to let you down, but I am hell bound

Though this is all for you, don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come

(Chorus)

They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright, I want to save their light

I can't escape this now, unless you show me how

(Chorus)

When I came home this month, I held everything in again out of fear. Everyone is so used to seeing the laid-back, happy girl who truly believes that laughter is the best medicine for everything, that I was not sure they would know how to react to this darker side. I planned to keep everything hidden  until I hit a breaking point, and I finally allowed the people who have been there for me this whole time to be there like they were before I left. 

They showed me all the happiness I left behind without even knowing. I have had so much anger and sadness "woven in my soul" for too long, and I know the time to let it go is now. After disappointing myself and hiding my "demons," I am ready to save the light that I used to see in myself every day. I was strong once, and I know if I make it through this process of letting go like I have before, I can find the happy girl I was before. If I can find her again, maybe leaving my hometown for the second time this fall will not be nearly as hard as it was a year ago.

Imagine Dragons - "Demons" Music Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWRsgZuwf_8

reflections.

This year has been one with tons of change. A year ago I really was not sure what 2012 would bring me, and there have been all sorts of adventures that I never expected. I never thought I would be the type of girl that writes blogs every month, but here I am; still going. Anyway, this year has brought so much joy, pain, happiness, and heartbreak; however, I would not take any of it back because of the strength it has helped me develop. Graduating from high-school and moving out have been the biggest highlights this year; which also brings me to the most important thing I have figured out over the course of 2012.

During high-school, I felt pretty unhappy a lot of the time and it took me a long while to figure out that the cause of my unhappiness was my inability to let things go. Even though moving out has been one of the hardest struggles I have had, I know it would have been harder had I not learned how to catch my breath and let it go.

So, overall this year the most important thing I have learned is to let things go. To let go of pain and heartbreak. To let go of the people in my life who only cause unhappiness. To let go of the past events that have caused me to fear certain things in the future. In letting go of the things that hurt, I have been able to find peace and the true meaning of home. I can not imagine how different things would have went this year if I had not learned about the sense of peace and home that is a result of letting go. Even though I am not very sure of what is going to happen in my life or where I am going to go in the year 2013, I do know for certain that I will always be able to find my way home by letting go of anything that counteracts that sense of peace.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hold on to the past is holding you back from a new life."

catching my breath.

Moving away from home has been so much harder than I thought it would be, and I have had a hard time keeping a positive attitude about it. Figuring out who is really there for me and who I am has been difficult. I feel like I have not truly been able to be myself down here. Because of my experience in leadership positions I thought it would be a piece of cake to make friends and find my niche here in St. George. However, I was very wrong.

Kelly Clarkson recently released a song called "Catch My Breath." I listened to it once and I have been hooked ever since. Thinking about the lyrics helped me realize a few things about the time I have spent here. When I first left, I was so scared. Scared that the distance between my family and life-long friends would tear us apart. I thought that moving away would make me happier because back home it started to feel like I had spent a lot of time pleasing other people. Making people happy is something that is truly important to me, but there was a time for a little while that I forgot about taking care of myself. I forgot that if I do not take care of myself, there is no way I could truly help someone else. I have been unhappy for a little while because although I have wanted someone to truly be there for me, I would "turn my cheek for the sake of the show." I was so afraid of someone seeing the vulnerable side.

Except I realized something. I have not taken the time in a while to catch my breath and let it go. Have not taken the time to release the hurt, release the pain, and do what is best for me. No more letting people's harsh words get to me. No more sticking around if I know whatever is holding me back will bring pain; and most importantly, no more being afraid of showing a vulnerable side.

I don't wanna be left behind

Distance was a friend of mine

Catching breath in a web of lies

I've spent most of my life

Riding waves, playing acrobat

Shadowboxing the other half

Learning how to react

I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know, this is my life

I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that

Catch my breath, won't let 'em get me down, it's all so simple now

I have started to forget to look for the beauty, for the good things that every person has to offer. I have been so focused on wanting to be home that I have not put a full effort into my new life. Home will always be in my mind, in my heart, but if I am going to make progress here, I have to catch my breath and find the love that home gives me. Find the genuine people that will always be there. When I finally found that love back home, I was the happiest girl alive. It has just taken me a long time to realize that happiness can be found again if I try hard enough.

Addicted to the love I found

Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud

Making time for the ones that count

I'll spend the rest of my time

Laughing hard with the windows down

Leaving footprints all over town

Keeping faith, karma comes around

I won't spend the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know, this is my life

I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that

Catch my breath, won't let 'em get me down, it's all so simple now

You helped me see

The beauty in everything

Catching my breath, letting it go

Turning my cheek for the sake of the show

Now that you know, this is my life

I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that

Catch my breath, won't let 'em get me down, it's all so simple now

It's all so simple now

I have realized that I need to take a step back, catch my breath, let go of the sadness, and dive into this new life with more effort than I had before. That does not mean I plan to just let go of everything that has built me up in my life to this point, just that there have been times in my life when I could see beauty in everything, and I want that feeling back. I feel like I lost the girl inside that everyone knew before, and I need that girl back. So, here I go; catching my breath, letting it go.

Kelly Clarkson - "Catch My Breath" Lyric Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS0zMzjAB9A

recovery.

Recovery. The dictionary gives a few different definitions of the word:
1. the regaining of something lost or taken away
2. restoration or return to health from sickness
3. restoration or return to any former and better state of condition

Each definition is completely true; however, what the dictionary fails to define is how hard it is to actually recover from something. Recovery is something that every single person has to go through in their life; however, some roads to recovery may be harder than others, depending on what one is recovering from. No matter what a person is recovering from, the ultimate goal is to leave behind whatever it is/was that caused pain. First glancing at recovery, one might think it would be an easy road. This assumption is not true.

Recovery starts with understanding and recognizing that something needs to change. Coming to the realization that you deserve better than the life you are living at the moment takes a lot of courage for most people, because the majority of people have felt insignificant and "not worth it" at least once in their life. After realizing that one is "worth it" and deserving of happiness, motivation and determination to reach that happiness, follows. All of these realizations and gaining motivation are the easy part. Actually moving on is where most of us falter.

In order to fully recover, one must cut out everyone/everything that has caused them pain and/or unhappiness; or, move on. Letting go of people who you might have once thought you could count on is easier said than done, even if you know that all they do is cause pain now. However, it is completely necessary to fully recover. Moving on never becomes easier, no matter how many times you have to do it.

I have been recovering from a lot of things, and I have been happier as I have made the effort to release everything that causes me pain. Although the initial release is hard, it ends up being worth it. Sometimes it is hard to know which things/people are only hurting, and that is why moving on is so hard. The road to recovery is long, but always worth it; no matter what you need to recover from.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hold on to the past is holding you back from a new life."