simple pleasures.

The past few months I have been focusing on recreating myself; building myself up to be a person I feel confident with being. Being me, whoever that is. One thing I have noticed that has built me up more than anything else has are every day, simple pleasures. When was the last time you sat and appreciated those little moments, those natural highs throughout the day that bring even the slightest smile?

One thing I think deserves some appreciating is sleeping in, because who does not love that moment in the morning when you look at your alarm and see that it's only four in the morning? On the best days, (after sleeping in of course), I sit on the porch with my cat, Otto, and brush him in the fresh air. Anyone who lives away from an area that has serious air pollution should take a minute just to go outside and appreciate the fresh air, the blue skies, and the green grass. On a rainy day, my ideal day is sitting by the windows listening to the rain hit the house, cozy with a blanket and my cat. Cherish those cleansing, beautiful, rainy days. Music is another simple pleasure that I think a lot of us take for granted because it is always somewhere in the background, but sitting down with your headphones in and really listening to the music is something else. Listen to your old favorite songs, find new songs you connect with, because as of right now, music has been what is changing my outlook. Music can sympathize and rejoice with you, and even "when words fail, music speaks."

Maybe all of these simple pleasures are not what other people smile about, but if anyone is struggling to feel even a little bit of happiness, look for these simple pleasures that bring even a hint of a smile, and hold onto them, it'll make a world of difference.

recreating myself.

Three years ago, I knew exactly who I was. I knew what kind of a person I was and who I wanted to be. I had high expectations and worked so hard that every day felt like an accomplishment. I was so completely sure of who I was and what I wanted that I did not let anything stop me, nothing got in my way. I faced my obstacles with grace and clarity. What some people saw as mountains, I saw as small speed bumps. I loved everything about life, and my relationships were strong. I always knew there would be struggles along the way after I moved out on my own, but what I never considered was what would happen if all the self confidence and drive that I had was just stripped away. I do not think anyone really considers that until it actually happens, and building myself back up has felt nearly impossible.

Moving out on my own turned out to be a lot harder than I had ever imagined. Everything about who I knew myself to be was destroyed in what seemed like a blink of an eye. I ruined the strong friendships that I once had, which is something that I never thought I would do. I did not want to see anyone when I visited home because I did not feel like anyone wanted to see a stranger. I was scared they would be appalled at who I have turned out to be when they expected more.

When you do not know who you are, when everything is stripped away from you, you start to not care about anything. You cannot be happy for yourself because you do not even know what makes you happy to begin with. You cannot get excited for things and create motivation if you do not know what excites you. In turn, you cannot be there for others and create relationships when you do not have a strong relationship with yourself.

I have had this picture in my head of how I used to be, and how things are supposed to be, and realizing that I am the own creator of my happiness has taken a long, long time. Holding on to my past self has done nothing but cause grief. Letting go of that past, recreating myself, and figuring out what makes me happy and motivates me is going to be a long road, but I am finally ready to take that first step.

"It's one of those things people say: 'You can't move on until you let go of the past.' Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes, we fight it, trying to keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let it go, move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow."

- Meridith Grey: Grey's Anatomy