recreating myself.

Three years ago, I knew exactly who I was. I knew what kind of a person I was and who I wanted to be. I had high expectations and worked so hard that every day felt like an accomplishment. I was so completely sure of who I was and what I wanted that I did not let anything stop me, nothing got in my way. I faced my obstacles with grace and clarity. What some people saw as mountains, I saw as small speed bumps. I loved everything about life, and my relationships were strong. I always knew there would be struggles along the way after I moved out on my own, but what I never considered was what would happen if all the self confidence and drive that I had was just stripped away. I do not think anyone really considers that until it actually happens, and building myself back up has felt nearly impossible.

Moving out on my own turned out to be a lot harder than I had ever imagined. Everything about who I knew myself to be was destroyed in what seemed like a blink of an eye. I ruined the strong friendships that I once had, which is something that I never thought I would do. I did not want to see anyone when I visited home because I did not feel like anyone wanted to see a stranger. I was scared they would be appalled at who I have turned out to be when they expected more.

When you do not know who you are, when everything is stripped away from you, you start to not care about anything. You cannot be happy for yourself because you do not even know what makes you happy to begin with. You cannot get excited for things and create motivation if you do not know what excites you. In turn, you cannot be there for others and create relationships when you do not have a strong relationship with yourself.

I have had this picture in my head of how I used to be, and how things are supposed to be, and realizing that I am the own creator of my happiness has taken a long, long time. Holding on to my past self has done nothing but cause grief. Letting go of that past, recreating myself, and figuring out what makes me happy and motivates me is going to be a long road, but I am finally ready to take that first step.

"It's one of those things people say: 'You can't move on until you let go of the past.' Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes, we fight it, trying to keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let it go, move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow."

- Meridith Grey: Grey's Anatomy

anger.

This past year & a half has probably been the hardest to work through. I have been sad, I have been put down, and let down, all of which have caused something more destructive; anger. Some may say that being angry is like "drinking poison and expecting someone else to die," which is true, but I do not know if many people have considered what happens when the anger you hold is not toward others, but rather towards yourself. Being angry at someone else is easy. All you have to do is focus the negative energy on someone else. When you are angry at yourself, all that energy is focused on you.

Out of all the negative emotions I have ever had, anger is by far the most destructive. 

Anger influences so much. Anger makes me want to be reckless and self destructive. Anger makes me want to prove every person that doubted me, wrong. Anger makes me want everyone to feel the pain I have felt. Anger makes me want to push everyone away. Anger gives me motivation to forget everyone but myself. Anger makes me feel all those things when its directed toward someone else, but when I am angry with myself, anger transforms me into someone I can not recognize, and it breaks me until all the happiness I had was gone.

Anger will keep you alive for a while, but then it will eat you alive.

No matter where anger is directed or who is angry, the hostility it causes can make or break a person, and for the past few months, my anger has been directed at one person. Me. Forgiving other people has always come so easily to me, but forgiving myself is a completely different story. I have been angry at myself for decisions I have made, for the people I have hurt. I have been angry at myself for letting people step on me and treat me like I am nothing. I am angry at myself for not being a friend that others can count on, and the list goes on. I get angry at myself for causing people to be angry with me. I get angry at myself for not letting things go like I say I am going to, and I get angry at myself for not standing strong & letting myself be truly happy.

Anger makes me tired, anger makes me exhausted. Anger makes me shut people out and seal off any emotion that might come from blocking them out. Anger makes me build walls that I am scared of people climbing over. I have spent so much time and energy trying to let go of sadness and pain. I have tried day in and day out to find my happy self again, but in all this effort, I never considered letting go of anger. I never realized how far down anger brings me, and how the hatred towards my decisions makes me unsure of everything I do. My only hope is that someday soon, I can let this anger go.

collisions.

"People will walk in and out of your life all the time. Sometimes they come right when you need them to, and other times they leave right when you don't want them to. Either way, they'll leave marks that you keep with you wherever you go."

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how many people are constantly walking in and out of my life, and what a huge impact they can create. I like to consider the moments when people walk into my life as collisions. Predicting the time of these collisions is nearly impossible, and sometimes I do not even realize how big of an impact the collusion will make until the "dust" seems to settle. As I look back on my experiences with these moments of impact, I know I keep these experiences marked in my heart wherever I go. Some collisions have caused pain and heartache, but at one point or another, each and every one has created happiness that I can appreciate no matter how long or short the time was when that happiness lasted.

I have been lucky to have people in my life who are constantly there; however, moving away from town helped me put everything into perspective. Over the past few months, I have been very focused on coming home to be with these constants in my life. I focused so much on them and on building myself back up that I was not paying attention and collided right into some new people that I was not expecting. These new collisions have helped me see that no matter what I do, people will always come and go. Even if I do not feel like these collisions happen at the right time, I can see the impact, or the "ripple effects" that each and every person in my life makes.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go of these people who have made such an influence in my life, but in some situations, I know I have to because they have already walked away. I have always had such a hard time figuring out why people walk out of my life; some with no explanation. I used to ask a million questions about why they would go, or why they do not care anymore. It took some time for me to realize that when someone moves on, it does not always mean they do not care. Even if they did move on because of a lack of caring, it does not matter. Holding onto pain and questioning everything will never cause anything but discontent. No matter what the reason is for their departure, I have finally reached a point of acceptance for the effects of every collision I make. I can not predict the effects of any collisions, but they are here to shape me, break me, and understand this craziness we like to call "life." I guess what I am trying to say is, here I go again; letting go, moving on, and waiting for the next collision.

"The moment of impact proves potential for change, has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together, making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures, landing them where you never thought you'd find them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how it is going to affect you. You just have to let the colliding parts fall where they may and wait for the next collision."

recovery.

Recovery. The dictionary gives a few different definitions of the word:
1. the regaining of something lost or taken away
2. restoration or return to health from sickness
3. restoration or return to any former and better state of condition

Each definition is completely true; however, what the dictionary fails to define is how hard it is to actually recover from something. Recovery is something that every single person has to go through in their life; however, some roads to recovery may be harder than others, depending on what one is recovering from. No matter what a person is recovering from, the ultimate goal is to leave behind whatever it is/was that caused pain. First glancing at recovery, one might think it would be an easy road. This assumption is not true.

Recovery starts with understanding and recognizing that something needs to change. Coming to the realization that you deserve better than the life you are living at the moment takes a lot of courage for most people, because the majority of people have felt insignificant and "not worth it" at least once in their life. After realizing that one is "worth it" and deserving of happiness, motivation and determination to reach that happiness, follows. All of these realizations and gaining motivation are the easy part. Actually moving on is where most of us falter.

In order to fully recover, one must cut out everyone/everything that has caused them pain and/or unhappiness; or, move on. Letting go of people who you might have once thought you could count on is easier said than done, even if you know that all they do is cause pain now. However, it is completely necessary to fully recover. Moving on never becomes easier, no matter how many times you have to do it.

I have been recovering from a lot of things, and I have been happier as I have made the effort to release everything that causes me pain. Although the initial release is hard, it ends up being worth it. Sometimes it is hard to know which things/people are only hurting, and that is why moving on is so hard. The road to recovery is long, but always worth it; no matter what you need to recover from.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hold on to the past is holding you back from a new life."

moving out.

I never thought I would be so scared to move out. The reality of it hit me last night when I was trying to fall asleep. It is so weird to me that I am leaving the town I was born in and the house I grew up in. I have so many mixed emotions for this. I am scared, excited, happy, and sad all at the same time. Leaving my parent's house where the majority of things are taken for granted makes me a little nervous. Leaving my best friends freaks me out more than I would like to admit, because I am not sure how I will find people as genuine as they are, who will be there for me in the way that they are.

However, I know it is time to go. As much as I want to run back inside my house and live there until I am thirty, I know I need to do this. To learn for myself how much I have taken things for granted, and to figure out who I am and become the person that I want to be. I can not believe it is already time for me to go to college and decide what to do with the rest of my life. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting around wishing it was time for this, and now it has hit me like a brick. The whole thing became more real when I started pulling out the packing boxes and stripping my room. I feel pretty unsure of myself, so I guess I am just going to jump into this, full steam ahead, and give it my best. Wish me luck! :)