my sweet grandma.

This past month or so, my sweet Grandma Bunnell has been on my mind every single day. Grandma lived a fulfilling life, and I knew I would have to say goodbye sooner or later, I just had no idea it would be at the start of this year. When I found out she was about to go I was in shock. The last time I had seen her, she was smiling away and walking around like a healthy horse. Luckily, my mom and two aunts were able to drive her through St. George on their way back to her home in Orem, and I was able to see her one last time before she went. Our conversation was short, she could barely talk. I was letting her know how much I appreciate and love her when her words started jumbling together and she was not making sense. I let her talk, and she started saying "I love you" multiple times. At this point, I could not hold back my tears and I knew she would not want me to be sad, so I gave her as big of a hug as I could and kissed her on the head before saying "I love you" one last time.

I thought saying goodbye would be easy. She lived a long, happy life, it was her time to go. However, even today I am not sure that I have completely grasped the fact that grandma's chair at the farm will be absent of my grandma's happy smile. On Sunday, January 12, my beautiful Grandma Bunnell passed away. Her funeral was beautiful, and I could not have imagined it any other way. The weekend of seeing all of my family went by too fast.

I think of her all the time. When I am eating a croissant, cashews, Andes Mints, or various other snacks I think of her. She always had quite the selection of things to munch on every time we visited her. I made a grilled cheese sandwich the other day and remembered how Grandma would always put way too much cheese on the sandwiches she made, but my little sister and I would eat them anyway and tell her how good they were. Snow reminds me of times Grandma would wrap all the cousins up and send us outside to play in the fields of snow. Spring reminds me of when she would pick flowers in her garden and always have fresh ones to display in the kitchen. Warm summer weather reminds me of my cousin Loree and I asking if she thought the pond was warm enough to swim in, and her answer of, "Its probably way too cold!" Even though we would ask in the middle of July. Leaves remind me of the excitement of raking in front of her house and the fun of having the older cousins throw the younger ones into the massive piles we created.

I am going to miss the afternoons my mom and I sat outside with Grandma and helped her walk around to get some fresh air. I am going to miss the smile she had whenever she held one of the great grandkids. I am going to miss the smell of her lotion that lingered on all the scarves and quilts she made for the cousins and me. I could go on all day about all the little things Grandma did that I am going to miss, but what I am going to miss most of all is her unconditional love. Grandma would love anyone no matter what they did. She always welcomed us into her house with open arms and the biggest smile. I don't know if there is anything in this world that can beat Grandma's capacity to love everyone so fully. Grandma is by far my biggest role model, and I can only pray she knows that.

This one goes out to Luana Porter Bunnell, my beautiful, perfect, sweet grandma. I know she is in a better place now. Love you grandma, always have, always will. 

we accept the love we think we deserve.

“Don’t ever wonder because you deserve the best. Once you reach the top, you’ll never question why you left.” 

– John Legend

Love comes in many different forms, and that love varies from person to person. Giving away love has always seemed easy to me, and I am sure there are others who would agree. Caring for other people has always come naturally to me. I never have a problem helping someone who asks for help. I love making people smile, making people feel good about themselves; however, I am not as sure of myself when it comes to accepting the care and love given to me in return.

I have always given people a large piece of my heart, and I have always wondered why when I give my whole heart, it never seems to work out. For the longest time I asked myself why giving someone your everything is not enough sometimes. I struggle with letting things go and moving on, and sometimes find myself in a repeating cycle of the highest high to the lowest low. Multiple times I have been asked by friends why I give my heart to people who treat me wrong, or who don't deserve me, and then push away the people who are really, actually there for me. I have asked myself why relationships work for everyone around me, but never for me. Up until now, I have never been able to answer those questions until I heard someone's answer loud and clear.

This quote hit me like a brick, but it also took some time to realize the truth in these words. No matter how I present myself, no matter what other people might think I deserve, ultimately what I deserve is up to me. If I do not think I deserve someone, I walk away. Consequently, if I do not think I deserve to be treated the way I am, the only thing that keeps me from walking away is myself. If I want to change the way I have been treated in the past, the only person I can change is myself.

"We’re sad when we think we have the right to be sad. We’re angry when we think we have the right to be angry. So why don’t we love, when we think we have the right to be loved?"

I never put very much thought into what exactly I do and do not deserve, but after thinking a lot about how we accept the love we think we deserve, I have realized that the love I deserve is more than what I have been willing to settle for in the past, and this applies to all kinds of love. I am sure that I am not the only one that feels this way, and this goes out to everyone that has ever felt the way I have. Anyone who has felt heartbroken from trying over and over again to get people to accept your love the way you accept theirs. No one, no matter what they have done, deserve to be in any kind of demeaning or degrading relationship. Admitting that you deserve better is okay. It is okay to walk away from someone that only brings you heartbreak. Do not settle just because you do not think you can do better or deserve better.

"We are imperfect beings, we are human. But our imperfections are neither reasons to stay, nor leave. We can always do better for others, and for ourselves. Allow those around you to love you, and love those who surround you. Do not settle for less, and do not cut yourself short because at the end of the day, the love we accept is the love we think we deserve."

high on summer time.

Summer; the time of year when cares are reduced to a minimum, friendships grow stronger, and memories are made. It is a time when we can be rejuvenated from a year in school, business, etc. We get enough sun and fresh air to last for the upcoming year, and most importantly we strengthen the relationships that matter the most to us. 

I have always loved summer and everything about it. I guess you could say I get a little "high on summer time." Everything about it makes me smile. Sleeping in until noon, waking up early to go to the lake, staying out late with the best friends (sometimes doing nothing at all), the "heart to hearts" I have with those who are closest to me, never having my days go as planned, and of course laying out to get that perfect tan. Every summer is memorable. Each one has different memories that I will cherish forever. Trips that I went on, friends that I made/lost, and the inside jokes that still make me laugh. However, although it is not quite over yet, this summer has already had it's moment of impact on me.

This summer is the last summer before I move out on my own. That, in and of itself is something that I will remember for the rest of my life, as well as all of the mixed emotions that are coming with it. Excitement, fear, joy, and bitter-sweetness. Most of all though, this summer has been so memorable because of the people. There is nothing better than realizing who is truly there for me, who I know I can count on no matter what. Hearing someone say, I love you, and truly meaning it, will always bring a smile to my face and gratefulness in my heart no matter who says it. Especially because it has been a long time since I have let myself get close enough to people to cause them or myself feel that way in the first place. I have always been such a guarded person, and I still am. However, in a process of "healing," so to speak, it has been a struggle to let people in and love/be loved.

& so, these friendships and exchanged love have been what has caused a moment of impact this summer. These experiences have made my last summer at home memorable. I can not imagine where I would be in my life without these people and the memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I can only hope that I will never forget the influence love can have on other people and me, and bring this feeling with me wherever I go.

fragile.

It is so strange to me how fragile everything can be. Friendships, relationships, trust, love, hate, respect, etc. We can spend such a long time focusing on these things; building them up into what we think could be the strongest possible wall known to man, when in reality, all it takes is a single tap, one little pebble thrown at it and it can be knocked all the way to the ground. Granted, sometimes these walls are as strong as we make them out to be, but there is always an Achilles Heel, a weak spot that could make everything fall.

Friendships can be lost over one little event. One thing that sparks a flame and hits a weak spot on both sides. Trust is broken when the completely unexpected, comes from those people you thought would never hurt you. Respect can deteriorate with one simple word, one simple phrase from who you thought would not stoop that low.

These events, these pebbles that are thrown at our weak spots can help create feelings of bitterness, of hate. But even those emotions are fragile. Bitterness is broken down when a pebble of gratefulness hits a weak spot. Hate is taken away with a simple act of kindness, an act of love. Everything we know is fragile. But one day, these fragile walls that have fallen can build themselves back up again. Over time we become strong again, strong enough to know that because everything is so fragile, nothing should be taken for granted.

fearless♥

With a few recent events in my life, I've been pushed to consider the definition of being "fearless." I think this is the best definition I've ever seen by far:

FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again, even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. It’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. Loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. Allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright, that’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after.

Love is FEARLESS.

live.laugh.love

Hey all you bloggers,

This is my first blog, so I figured I'd just write a little something about me for this one :) My name is Maya, I am 18 years old. I love to laugh, dance, and meet new people. I believe that people take life far too seriously sometimes, and that laughter is truly the best medicine. Nothing beats the feeling of knowing that I made someone smile :)

& last, but not least: one day, I am going to travel to Senegal, Africa so I can do volunteer work with orphans. Definitely my biggest goal of life (so far).

Love always,

- Maya