anger.

This past year & a half has probably been the hardest to work through. I have been sad, I have been put down, and let down, all of which have caused something more destructive; anger. Some may say that being angry is like "drinking poison and expecting someone else to die," which is true, but I do not know if many people have considered what happens when the anger you hold is not toward others, but rather towards yourself. Being angry at someone else is easy. All you have to do is focus the negative energy on someone else. When you are angry at yourself, all that energy is focused on you.

Out of all the negative emotions I have ever had, anger is by far the most destructive. 

Anger influences so much. Anger makes me want to be reckless and self destructive. Anger makes me want to prove every person that doubted me, wrong. Anger makes me want everyone to feel the pain I have felt. Anger makes me want to push everyone away. Anger gives me motivation to forget everyone but myself. Anger makes me feel all those things when its directed toward someone else, but when I am angry with myself, anger transforms me into someone I can not recognize, and it breaks me until all the happiness I had was gone.

Anger will keep you alive for a while, but then it will eat you alive.

No matter where anger is directed or who is angry, the hostility it causes can make or break a person, and for the past few months, my anger has been directed at one person. Me. Forgiving other people has always come so easily to me, but forgiving myself is a completely different story. I have been angry at myself for decisions I have made, for the people I have hurt. I have been angry at myself for letting people step on me and treat me like I am nothing. I am angry at myself for not being a friend that others can count on, and the list goes on. I get angry at myself for causing people to be angry with me. I get angry at myself for not letting things go like I say I am going to, and I get angry at myself for not standing strong & letting myself be truly happy.

Anger makes me tired, anger makes me exhausted. Anger makes me shut people out and seal off any emotion that might come from blocking them out. Anger makes me build walls that I am scared of people climbing over. I have spent so much time and energy trying to let go of sadness and pain. I have tried day in and day out to find my happy self again, but in all this effort, I never considered letting go of anger. I never realized how far down anger brings me, and how the hatred towards my decisions makes me unsure of everything I do. My only hope is that someday soon, I can let this anger go.

recovery.

Recovery. The dictionary gives a few different definitions of the word:
1. the regaining of something lost or taken away
2. restoration or return to health from sickness
3. restoration or return to any former and better state of condition

Each definition is completely true; however, what the dictionary fails to define is how hard it is to actually recover from something. Recovery is something that every single person has to go through in their life; however, some roads to recovery may be harder than others, depending on what one is recovering from. No matter what a person is recovering from, the ultimate goal is to leave behind whatever it is/was that caused pain. First glancing at recovery, one might think it would be an easy road. This assumption is not true.

Recovery starts with understanding and recognizing that something needs to change. Coming to the realization that you deserve better than the life you are living at the moment takes a lot of courage for most people, because the majority of people have felt insignificant and "not worth it" at least once in their life. After realizing that one is "worth it" and deserving of happiness, motivation and determination to reach that happiness, follows. All of these realizations and gaining motivation are the easy part. Actually moving on is where most of us falter.

In order to fully recover, one must cut out everyone/everything that has caused them pain and/or unhappiness; or, move on. Letting go of people who you might have once thought you could count on is easier said than done, even if you know that all they do is cause pain now. However, it is completely necessary to fully recover. Moving on never becomes easier, no matter how many times you have to do it.

I have been recovering from a lot of things, and I have been happier as I have made the effort to release everything that causes me pain. Although the initial release is hard, it ends up being worth it. Sometimes it is hard to know which things/people are only hurting, and that is why moving on is so hard. The road to recovery is long, but always worth it; no matter what you need to recover from.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hold on to the past is holding you back from a new life."