misguided ghosts.

"I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back. Don't try to follow me, cause I'll return as soon as possible. See, I'm trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe"

Paramore: "Misguided Ghosts"

For the longest time, I have been feeling so lost that I never thought I would find myself again. I was just going with the flow and I did not really care about anyone. I have selfishly thought that I was the only person that felt this lost. Friends that I thought would be there through it all proved me wrong. I lost my sense of where "home" is to me. I made some choices that I hated myself for, beat myself up for every single day. Coming home for the summer was supposed to bring me clarity, but all that I found was confusion. I ran away from this confusion by seeking out anything that would make me stop thinking about it. The coward in me did not want to deal with any of it, but just like with everything else I hit a wall. 

"We all learn to make mistakes and run from them with no direction. We'll run from them with no conviction. Cause I'm just one of those ghosts, traveling endlessly. Don't need no roads; in fact, they follow me and we just go in circles. And now I'm told that this is life, that pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it"

This wall was a realization that I am not the only person that has been lost. So many people who are right in front of me are just as lost, if not more lost than I am, but because of my selfishness I failed to see it. I used to find so much happiness in being the reason for brightening someone else's day. I have missed being the one people can always count on coming to if they need to laugh, if they need to talk, if they need to forget. I forgot that each and every one of us are just "misguided ghosts." 

"Would someone care to classify our broken hearts and twisted minds so I can find someone to rely on and run to them, full speed ahead. You are not useless, we are just misguided ghosts, traveling endlessly. The ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away and there's no one road. We should not be the same, but I'm just a ghost and still they echo me; they echo me in circles."

This weekend I finally came to terms with everything that has been happening in my life. Setbacks are still inevitable, but I found at least a small glimpse of the motivation and drive that I once had. I want to be the reason for people's laughter, the reason for people's smiles. I want to show people that no matter what mistakes we make, no matter what we do, it is possible to rebuild ourselves. The strength that has been lost can be found, even when it seems we are building from scratch. As for me, the happy girl that I lost can be found again, and I am building her up from the ground-up. No more hiding, no more running. 

the cure.

Being in various leadership positions, I have been told over and over again that attitude is something that can cause you to be highly successful or highly unsuccessful. Through my experiences, I have found this to be true. Whenever I have a smiling face and a positive attitude, my day is 100% better than when I'm not smiling. For the past year, I have made a goal to put everything behind me that has made me upset. This goal is something that I strive for every day, and for the most part I am able to go to bed and be happy with how I faced that day. However, as a human being, I sometimes falter with keeping a positive attitude and a happy face. Today has been one of those days where I have struggled a bit.

As of right now, my graduation day is 35 days away. Approximately 18 of those days are school days. Because I am so close to starting a new chapter in my life, the days are dragging by. Today, I was in a pretty ornery mood. I wasn't as outspoken as I usually am, and people I normally say "hi" to and make them laugh were disappointed because I didn't stop by. When this disappointment was brought to my attention, I had a horrible feeling. I wanted to bring my smile back and leave people laughing, but I had a hard time fixing my attitude. Luckily, after taking a break today I found a cure for this attitude of mine.

I realized that sometimes I take things for granted. I forget that there are so many people around me who could use some kind of a "pick-me-up" every day. It made me sad to think that my bad moods are because I am so focused on a day that is 35 nights away, instead of focusing on today. My cure for these bad moods is to focus on each moment at hand. To realize that there is probably someone in my world that is having a worse day than me. My cure is to throw away my bad attitude, and to help others throw theirs away too. My goal a year ago was to leave people better than I found them, I just seemed to forget about that for a little while.